If you ask most people “How are you?” the answer is typically “fine”. Well I’m not fine. I’m not doing terrible either, but fine is far from where I’m at. Some days I feel fantastic, other days I have to work so hard to put on a happy face and get through the day. “Fine” which falls in the middle is something I rarely experience.

The truthful answer for me would be, I am a little better yet a little worse. Thankfully the Better has outpaced the Worse. I’m still here which should count for something, right? The only problem with this answer is it elicits a discussion to explain myself. Talking about what it means to feel better or worse is not something I’m comfortable with.

So far I’ve been pleased with my progress in therapy. It is not at all what I expected but it has been what I’ve needed. I’m unsure where the next session will lead me but I remain open to whatever will come next.

Last night was the hardest night I’ve ever had. I finally got the courage to speak to Vange about what I’ve been going through. As much as I tried to prepare myself I don’t think that was possible. Without getting into a play by play of events, the reactions and ongoing aftermath involved anger, disbelief, accusations of betrayal, heartbreak, fear, blame, sorrow, more anger, disappointment, crying, and questioning. Admittedly it was a fucken lot to put on her all at once. As delicate as I tried to be, my confession was brutal on her but I could not figure out any other way.

Then there was my own reaction, UGH.  I went through a range that I really did not expect from myself. After she stepped away to gather her thoughts following the initial conversation, I eventually went outside and sat under the stars to breathe. For the first time I began to cry. Around the time that she came looking for me I had a complete meltdown and she guided me back into the house because I was sobbing so uncontrollably. Back inside we sat in the dark living room and tried to continue talking. Once again I broke down in a way that I have never in my life. A lifetime of sadness, guilt, shame, exhaustion, and anguish poured out of me like a broken dam. We eventually went to bed not knowing quite what to say anymore.

This morning I fully expected silence or anger or… I don’t know what else. Instead Vange hugged me so hard and cried that she felt horrible if the previous night she had treated my confession poorly. I was shocked. She also told me how scared she is right now, and she doesn’t know what to do. She is worried about me that something bad will happen and I had to reassure her that I will still be home like always and that I am there to work through this. Tonight could swing a completely different direction but that is where everything stands right now.

This confession of my condition was difficult and devastating for both of us. So too was the revelation that I had sought treatment and never shared this with her. I have this tremendous guilt over putting her through this as well as keeping all of this from her. But I’ve opened this door now and there is no going back. I need to work through this together with Vange and also continue my own self care to get better.

For a while now I have been working on getting all of this off my chest. I’ve never written about this specifically, but I’ve never discussed my depression and mental wellness with my wife. She has no idea what I go through and I have kept this buried deep inside of me for my entire adult life. Recently I made it a goal to tell her. The plan was simple enough, allow myself to be vulnerable to speak freely and explain everything the best I can. The problem up until now has been that I couldn’t explain something that I couldn’t even explain to myself. I have specific points I want to get across and doing so is for my own wellbeing. While I do care what she thinks and how she reacts, the truth is that getting this out is about finding my own authentic self.

Here’s the issue. Every time I get close to telling her this, something else gets in the way. I’m getting to the point where I feel like saying fuck-it to whatever negativity surrounds this and just dropping the bomb. I get the sense that the outcome will not be good no matter how long I wait for the perfect opportunity. This is like a bandaid that needs to be ripped off no matter how much I think it will hurt. Not taking action is stressing me the fuck out. But I’m also stressing out over the potential aftermath.

My wellness has taken on many different phases as I progress along this journey. In today’s session as I spoke I found myself saying things as if I were realizing them for the first time. Therapy has helped me discover that I can tap into self discovery by thinking out loud similar to how I do when writing.

One thing was the realization that I am on the verge of discovering something within myself. I feel I am very close to something but I can’t quite put my finger on what that is. I don’t think it is something as big as figuring out the meaning of life or anything earth-shattering but I get this deep sense that I am close to something significant. I’m not exactly sure what it is or why I would think there is something that I am closing in on but the sense feels powerful right now.

Maybe this feeling or sense could be connected with my desire to finally discuss my depression and everything else with Vange. This has been a huge shift for me to want to trust discussing this with someone that I have remained guarded with for so long. My strong resolve to trust and be vulnerable enough to get this all off my chest might be giving me other glimpses into additional self discovery. As apprehensive as I have been to have this discussion I am also motivated by it as well because I think it has the potential to open up more doors within me. And no matter the outcome, good or bad, that gives me something to look forward to.

Questions of Why?
I just don’t know Why.  There’s this question that just the thought of asking it seems more difficult than answering it. I find it even difficult to type, and certainly couldn’t bring myself to ask out loud in session today. Why do I not want to exist? And why do I want to die. I’m troubled by the questions because the basis of that feeling of wanting to vanish has no apparent cause most days. Why do I want everything to cease when everything else seems to be going well? Perhaps part of the issue is that I don’t think anyone is ready to hear some of what dwells inside. Then again I don’t even think I’m wanting to hear it.

I’m just jotting this down right now but I really do wonder about myself sometimes.

Today out of the blue I was asked how I was doing and it felt like an authentic and a sincere question. The question was phrased in such a way that I could sense the concern for my wellbeing. It made me feel so much better. Sometimes it seems like the things I need most are the things I can never get myself to ask for.

How do you explain something you can’t explain to yourself? This is the dilemma I have struggled with half my life.

I have this “thing” or condition that comes and goes. It is not a physical condition and there are no symptoms seen by others. It is not simply in my head, it consumes my whole body at times. I’ve talked about it before here, I’ve called it the Void that visits me. The Void is an episode that is empty, numbing, and drains me of energy. It is NOT the blues or the stereotypical EMO depression often depicted. I don’t control this, but I can suppress it so that nobody knows what is going on inside. I have become so adept at hiding this that nobody has ever said to me “are you alright” in the midst of an episode. Sometimes it passes quickly. Other times it lingers for a day or two.

The other day during session I happened to be at the tail end of this condition so I was finally able to show a small piece of this condition to someone. That was the first time I have ever let anyone see me in that state without keeping it hidden. It was terrifying to be that vulnerable yet a huge relief. I say it was a relief because it proved to me that it is not just something in my head or that I’ve imagined. I am still trying to figure it all out myself but it is very real to me. The experience made me a little more willing to not try and suppress this so much, and strangely wanting to let the Void come up in safe settings to see what I’m able to discover. Part of me doesn’t want to calm those feeling but rather flush them out into the open and face them head on.

The above is another incomplete attempt at fully describing what it feels like to have something that I haven’t been able to put into words. This is also why I have not brought it up to others including friends or family. If I can’t confidently describe it to myself, how the hell do I defend what I am feeling to anyone wanting to question what has been happening inside of me for so many years? Maybe someday I will figure this out. The search continues.

As I progress through my journey I have often chosen various paths. Each day presents an opportunity to turn left or right, reverse, or simply continue in the same direction. This is one of those moments where adjusting my course in life slightly feels like it might be worth the effort.

For many years I have been intrigued by various philosophical teachings including that of the Buddha. One of my early introductions was with a friend I had when I was around 20 years old. This friend was a practicing Buddhist and we spent many hours discussing his beliefs and the teachings he practiced. At the time I was a young kid set in my atheist ways of thinking but I still drew comparisons to these teachings and how they aligned with beliefs I already held.

Throughout my life I have been practicing many of those teachings from the Buddha naturally without thinking about it. Over the past couple of years my curiosity has grown and many of my personal ways of living seem to coincide with Buddhist principles, so it seems fitting that I would want to explore this further. Meditation and my approach toward life have already been a part of me for a while now. Rather than continuing to passively follow some of those teachings I want to put the core teachings of Buddhism into daily practice and see where this takes me. My plan initially is to put those teachings into daily practice following a more secular method and not necessarily that of any particular type (Theravada, Mahayana, Zen, etc.). My beliefs tend to taper off when it comes to anything that involves the supernatural or dogmatic beliefs, but the Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path appeal to me without sacrificing core beliefs I already hold. I am still in the early learning part of what this will really mean for me but its a start.  More to come.

I feel terrible right now because I did exactly what I promised I wouldn’t do. I wasn’t straight with my therapist, whom I’ve placed my trust with in telling these things to. She asked me during my session if I felt like I was in that “void” feeling at that moment and I chickened out and said no. Truth is I’ve been in that bad place as a carry over from yesterday and I couldn’t share that. I feel like shit for doing that but that is just how I’ve always guarded myself. I’ll fess up next week but she probably already knew or sensed something was up. One problem I’ve come to realize is I still have trouble with trust so not sharing these things is just a natural reaction.

Hiding that bit of information feels like a step backwards considering how much I trust her to help me, or help me help myself. To makes matters worse I also double downed later today and did the same thing to the only other person whom I trust. Seems like I keep blowing these chances with those who might offer some understanding. FML

I’m not going to dwell on it but damn that is such a wasted moment that I would like to get a redo on. It is so frustrating when I can’t say the words that are on my mind, and waiting for someone to ask the right questions is never going to happen.

Tonight was an odd night. That old familiar feeling of nothingness came to visit after not feeling it for many days. I’ve been extremely busy so I just have not left any space for anything to come into my world lately. I was working late in my home office when it washed over me. Suddenly I feel so alone and everything slowed down. I want so badly to talk to someone yet I want to be left alone. I know that makes zero sense but that is the feeling that comes to me. I really hate everything about this feeling. It makes me feel needy yet wanting to isolate. My night went from productive and moving right along to just wanting to close my eyes and wishing I’d disappear from this world. What is odd is that I also had this moment of sadness that made me want to cry about feeling this way. That’s not how this normally goes for me and I don’t quite know what to make of it. I’m retreating into some meditation before bed so that it doesn’t turn into an all night insomnia-fest.

I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time. I’ve jotted down notes a thousand times but it has never made it into more than a few sentences. This is my attempt at capturing what it feels like to have passive thoughts of suicide. I may edit this over time.

Disclaimer: Even though this site is for me personally I feel I should say this in case anyone stumbles upon it. If you or someone you know is actively suicidal please seek help or assistance. Contact a suicide prevention line, medical help, or someone who can get you immediate help. At the very least talk to someone. 

Passive Ideation, that seems to be the universal term for this but it is no where near that easy to define. Placing these thoughts into two different buckets does not take into account any possible variations or conditions that might overlap. My understanding of Passive Ideation means the person does not having a plan, while Active Ideation assumes there is a plan to act upon. I would argue that I could be in a state of Passive Ideation with strong thoughts of how I would accomplish or end my life, yet still have a stronger sense of no intent to carry that out. Intention is not always intent. This is a difficult concept to explain. I can internally have a desire to no longer exist but I stop short of taking steps to actually make plans on how I would bring about my end.

Depending upon the severity of the moment I can have an overwhelming desire to want things to cease and wish that the lights would suddenly go out, yet I don’t reach for the light switch. I have read much on the subject where some experts stress that there becomes a risk where passive thoughts can escalate into active plans. I am not certain how true this is for me since I have lived with this for more than half my life. I certainly don’t want to stress test that theory because there is no returning from those consequences.

Passive Ideation is like an annoying mosquito that when it finds you it will not stop buzzing your ear. Even when you swat it away you are left feeling that it could be flying around waiting to fly back into your ear when you let your guard down. This would describe the milder side of passive suicidal thoughts. The flip side is far more consuming than just swatting away an annoying bug. At the extreme end the passive thought becomes far more debilitating. It consumes the majority of thought and makes me question my ability to go on. Compared to the bothersome insect, this is the crushing weight of an elephant who sits on top of me and is in no hurry to move.

When I am in the grip of this episode at it’s worst it is not necessarily a panic moment or feeling of anxiety. Often there is very little fear. Instead it is a slow tight grip that leaves me frozen in the moment unable to move. It is a paralysis that removes any ability to change direction. The ideation itself sometimes comes to me under something that feels much larger. For lack of a better term I’ve been calling this “The Void” because it is filled with nothingness. The Void is both a place and a feeling in my mind. While in the grips of this void is often when the ideation is felt, but not always. Luckily I don’t get to this point of both The Void + Ideation on a daily basis, that would definitely suck. It is important to note that The Void and Ideation can occur with me together or independent of each other. They are two separate events that sometimes happen together or sequential. The Void is less frequent, the Ideation or suicidal thoughts happen often.

The milder version of Passive Ideation for me is a fleeting thought. It can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes. These milder thoughts happen often but randomly, sometimes daily and other times it will not reappear for a week. In basic terms it is just a thought or feeling that comes into my head that makes me wish everything would just end. The best analogy I can think of would be, standing on a street corner and suddenly thinking “if those cars suddenly jumped the sidewalk and struck me maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” In that scenario I’m not stepping off the curb, I simply have this thought that having everything suddenly end is not something I fear. It is not doom and gloom which some may think, that is what makes this that much harder to explain. I can seem fairly happy and suddenly the old familiar feeling comes over me.

Here is another fact that makes all of this difficult to explain. My Passive Ideation is not a voice or a descriptive message in my mind, it seems more like a feeling. It does not feel like I have two opposing sides fighting over whether I should give up or go on. I do however mentally speak to myself as a way of talking myself down. I suppose that is just my voice of reason kicking in.

To be continued. UPDATE: I’ve begun writing more specifically on this subject under the category: Visiting the Void

Update: I’ve added a new tool to try and help with whatever has been “off” for a while. I began taking a low dose medication to try and get right with myself and the early reviews are in – starting anything new is often not that easy. In fact it can really suck.

Day 1, no big deal and my appetite is greatly reduced, I got this!
Day 2, nausea and episodes where I felt like gagging. Ginger ale and Pepto. By evening a nagging headache right behind my eyes. Not terrible but annoying.
Day 3, this morning I probably lost a couple pounds after my body cleansed itself, ugh. The headache has not gone away yet. By afternoon I felt good and had a relaxing time in the pool. Still no desire to eat dinner.
Day 4, nausea is back to remind me “hey buddy I hope you have plenty of saltine crackers and ginger ale because that’s what on the menu”. I’ve had no desire to eat anything since Thursday (Day 2).
Night 4, this nausea that is up in my throat is kicking my ass. I slept sitting up and have gone through 4 packages of saltines in 2 days along with a gallon of ginger ale and water. I battled through it and somehow fell asleep eventually.
Day 5, this morning I was finally able to drink a half cup of coffee and forced myself to eat a couple pieces of toast. My stomach is fine, I’m just not hungry. By noon the familiar feeling of wanting to gag was back. Knocked that down with another shock and awe dose of pepto and ginger ale, then made myself busy to take my mind off of it. Lots of water as well. Headaches are gone. I still haven’t eaten a real meal in 3 days.
Night 5, finally forced myself to eat solid food late tonight. I was feeling a little better but as of midnight I’m fighting that feeling in my throat again.
Day 6, the nausea that tightens my throat is gone! I went all day without that feeling. Still no appetite, forced myself to eat some fruit early in the day and a salad for dinner. It’s Monday night and I don’t feel any side effects WOO-HOO!

Early observation, I’m hopeful that these were only early side effects that needed to wear off as my body adapts. This medication has a warning for the chance of increased thoughts of suicide, maybe that is because the above side effects make you want to do that? THAT WAS A JOKE (poor taste I know), I SERIOUSLY DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I don’t deal with nausea well and I naturally fight back any chance of throwing up just like I suppress so many other things. I hope that is not how this medication takes someone’s mind off of depression. I’ve spent half my life hiding the things that affect my wellbeing but side effects are not so easy to cover up. If side effects become an ongoing thing then other people are going to take notice.

My diet of crackers and ginger ale.

I’m going to be super honest about how I’m doing tonight, more so than I normally let on. Today is not good for me and I’m not handling things well at all. I’m absolutely struggling to keep it together. I would like nothing more than the lights to go out in my head and just be done. My concentration is so jacked up that I got stuck on the last sentence for 10 minutes. Physically I feel like shit. My head is pounding and my skin feels sticky like I have a fever (I don’t). The ringing is as loud as a hospital flatline sound. I worked down the list of coping tools and just have zero interest in making anything work. For a couple of hours I’ve been acting like I’m working in my office but nothing has been accomplished. I’m not going to do anything stupid but holy hell I hurt so bad right now.

This is not what this blog is supposed to be about but I just need to capture it.

Someone asked me “How are you?”. I know that when most people ask that they are already anticipating a canned answer such as “Fine” or “I’m doing well”. I was tempted to say “I’m not fine but thanks for asking” just to throw them off. That would be accurate but I doubt the person asking would have been prepared for that level of honesty. After all they were likely just being polite before moving into other conversion and not at all equipped to handle me telling them how far from “Fine” I’m actually feeling. Then again, perhaps I am not in a position to drop that kind of honesty on an unsuspecting person either. So a half smile and “Fine” it will be today.

Sometimes we lean on friends without them even knowing. At least I am guilty of this. Bouncing thoughts off of someone but without revealing every aspect of where you are coming from is in a way testing the waters. People feel each other out to see if something will elicit a reaction or return the understanding so many of us desperately need.

When encountering a friend who can not only listen but relate in some ways, it sparks that special connection we as emotional beings are so often seeking. It moves from testing the waters to trusting that our feelings will be gently cared for. While not everything between any two people will always be completely relatable, empathy has a way of kicking in to say “I may not share everything you’ve been through but I understand”. To me this is so powerful because it unleashes the doubt and pent up feelings that we bury so deep. It provides a freedom to both sides to exercise a trust that society has taught us to guard. Letting that guard down is something I continue to work on, but it makes it so much easier when I witness someone else willing to share themselves.

Yesterday I had a conversation that was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. Heartbreaking because I had a glimpse into someone’s inner feelings and could sense the pain they have been in. Heartwarming because this person trusted in me enough to bare their soul. I came away from this with an ache for their state of mind yet a slightly better understanding of what someone else was going through. At the same time I recognized a renewed confidence in each of our ability to be there for one another.

For so long I have questioned if anyone would ever say to me “Everything is going to be alright”. I still do. But in this moment that was eclipsed by the need to reassure someone else and tell them that everything is going to be okay. I certainly can’t guarantee anything but I can be the best person possible for someone in need. Maybe telling someone else that everything is going to be alright is equal to telling myself the same thing.

This is less a thought and more of a journal entry. I can’t put my finger on it but something is not right. Things were going so good, I was working on an action plan. I still am. It is Thursday night. My focus has gone to shit. Tuesday I was so optimistic but it hasn’t changed the fact that I haven’t slept right for 2 weeks. I get so productive and start out with such motivation and then slowly decline into this daze. This morning I stood around for almost 3 hours and did nothing.

Tonight I went from accomplishing a few things that I wanted to and drifted into not wanting to do anything at all. I went from divide and conquer to overwhelmed by simplicity. I’m writing because it is the thing that keeps my feet on this side of the cliff (not literally). I’m in a mini crisis for the second time in 2 weeks and this is bullshit. I’m overwhelmed by nothingness.

I don’t want to reach out, I’m tired of reaching out it gets old. If it seems pathetic and smells of pity to me then I can only imagine how that begins to look to others. My grandmother once said “don’t waste a worry” which relates to how I am portioning out the times I reach out. I think I am trying to reserve those moments for when I really need them, sort of like holding back so that I avoid being the boy who cried wolf. I’m trying not to wear out my welcome with anyone whom I might really need to throw me a line when I get in too deep.

Some time has passed since writing the above and the writing it helped. I’m tempted to get blazed to help with some sleep that lasts more than an hour. Tomorrow is another day.

I love this statement so much!

Today someone shared a simple moment of encouragement with me that warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. They probably didn’t even realize how special those few words meant to me in that moment. It took me out of a pattern of self doubt that I easily fall into and it renewed my belief that there really are a few good people in this world. I would normally say something along the lines of “I don’t deserve this” but this one time I’m saying Yes, I absolutely deserve a moment like this once in a while.

A week ago I had an incredibly rough day. I came away from it slightly scarred from the residual effects that further fed my insecurities and doubtful thinking. What a difference a week and a few kind words can make.

Doubt is my nemesis. I feel so foolish when I am easily poisoned by doubt’s influence that drives me to paint these elaborate negative mental scenarios. Doubt is the one thing that bypasses my logic and has me draw conclusions based on negative perceptions of everything around me. Doubtful thinking has moved up on the list of things I want to improve upon.

Reading back over what I previously posted Thursday, all I can say is…

What a mess LOL

The following is a play-by-play account of a crisis I was in. Its not pretty but I voice to text recorded my thoughts while it was going on so I could learn from it.

Welp here I am and this shit has come to visit me and since nothing else felt right I thought I’d write about it to see what it looks like later when I can review it in a different mindset. It’s 12:45 Thursday afternoon.

Don’t know how to put it in words but right now the old familiar — dark / dread / lost / unforgiving / bullshit / everything is pointless / pull the plug / drop the curtain — or whatever it is came and sat on top of me. Fuck! I’m out running some errands to mix up my day, came out of the bank and as I sit in my truck I don’t want to move. I sit here for a good 15 minutes just feeling stuck. Tap Tap Tap Tap, nope that’s not doing anything right now. Put on the music. Maybe add the Tap Tap Tap Tap to a drum beat. Blah I don’t think that’s the point because now I’m drumming and crumbling at the same time. I feel like crying I’m so fucken frustrated for no reason but crying doesn’t come to me right now. This heaviness just sits on top of me, it tightens my chest, it presses down my shoulders, it makes my hands shake. Close my eyes, deep breaths, picture a peaceful drive, repeat. Picture the waves of the ocean, repeat, repeat. I feel a little calm and make up my mind, fuck this shit I’m not letting it drag me down in the middle of this parking lot. I don’t have time for this shit so driving back to the office because there I can collect myself rather than in a hot truck at the bank.

1:50 pm
Well that was a lovely fricken hot mess lol. I noted this on my phone and transferred it here without edits just to capture it. It’s been about 45 minutes. I’m okay. Hell I’m always okay so what’s the point in worrying about it, right? Yeah I know that’s not true, I should worry about it. After all I wrote it down so it is significant enough to take notes of it.

“I’m not crazy”
“I know I’m not crazy”
WTF! Of all things, those few words bring tears to my eyes? Seriously?!
I just can’t with my self right now
Breathe

This is a mess. I’m retreating to try a guided meditation to sooth my soul. I don’t care what any of this looks like. I’ll visit this later

Update: I had to post this picture tonight because laughter is my cure-all

Here’s a little short philosophical story I wrote.

A man is pushing a box filled with rocks down a road with great difficulty. A bystander sees the man and offers their advice. “Your effort may be less if you try pulling the box behind you instead of pushing”. So the man begins to drag the box behind him.

The next day the man comes upon someone else as he drags the box down the road. The person tells him, “You would have an easier time if you add some wheels under your box”.  The man takes the advice and adds wheels to his box of rocks and makes it into a cart that he can pull.

Weeks go by and everyday the man pulls his cart of rocks past the same people who previously advised him, and each gives him their nod of approval as he passes.

One day the man comes upon a stranger who says, “you look so tired pulling your cart full of rocks.” The man replies, “Yes but this use to be much more difficult. Thankfully some very nice people advised me to pull instead of push, and add wheels to make the box roll.” The stranger inquires further. “Why do you pull your cart of rocks up this road everyday?” to which the man replies, “I have done so all my life, this is just what I’ve always done.” 

The stranger continues to question the man.
“Do these rocks serve any purpose?” “No, they are just rocks” replied the man.
“How would you feel if you continued up the road each day without pulling this cart of rocks?” asks the stranger. The man replies, “Well I’m sure I would be less tired.” The stranger tells the man, “If these rocks are not necessary then perhaps your answer is to stop pulling them up the road. Instead, leave your cart of rocks here and continue on.” So the man continues on his way up the road without the cart of rocks.

The next day the man briskly walks up the road and comes across the stranger alongside the cart of rocks. “I feel great, the burden of pulling these rocks is gone” exclaimed the man. “Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?”
The stranger pauses and replies, “The others only provided you with solutions on how to ease your effort. I instead asked you to reconsider the reasons behind your efforts so you could improve the quality of your journey.”

Maybe the burdens we carry over our lifetimes are nothing but a box of meaningless rocks. We continue to seek new ways to make the effort easier when the truth is we shouldn’t be carrying them in the first place. How we look at the world and approach life can be the difference between walking down the road with energy and purpose, or dragging a box of rocks that slow our progress.

This is a really long way of saying that right now I’m just sorting rocks, soaking in feedback that makes me look at life differently, and evaluating my burdens to improve my journey.

This is a rather LOOONG thought so I’ve divided it into 2 parts. This rambling of thoughts is really meant for me to capture some things that I’ll use at a later date. It’s hardly worth the lengthy read.

I get these AH-HA moments often but this particular one today really triggered a deeper level of thought. I have been listening to this audiobook by Robert Wright named Why Buddhism is True. First let me say that this book is not just another book on Buddhist philosophy but rather it is very heavy on the side of science and research. This book is filled with fascinating pieces covering the author’s correlations between psychology, Darwinian concepts of natural selection, and Buddhist teachings. Boring to some but every chapter has peaked my interest with new thoughts and reinforcement of many of my own beliefs. Late into the book his discussion on Nirvana really hit one of many AH-HA moments for me.

He begins the chapter drawing comparisons to the 90’s grunge band Nirvana. This captured my interest since I was deeply impacted by Kurt Cobain’s death at that time but I can share more about that later. Wright continues to talk about how the band Nirvana was originally named Bliss and he speaks about the distinct differences there are between the terms Nirvana and Bliss. Notably this speaks to how Kurt Cobain might have been seeking nirvana in his own life but he instead chased bliss behind his drug addiction, ultimately leading to his suicide. Definitely not how anyone should seek bliss.

The connections the author makes here was part of my AH-HA moment. Not only the irony of a band’s naming but the life cut short by a troubled and confused mind chasing what he thought could provide him bliss. I’ve always held these thoughts around Cobain’s life but discounted them as my own pop culture interest. Yet here was a highly educated and well versed author making similar comparisons. Robert Wright struck both that AH-HA moment and a chord of validation with me on beliefs around a person’s life simultaneous to the meaning of Nirvana.

Part 2 – Those Demons
This led me to pause and consider a different set of thoughts I had about many people who were incredibly talented but left life too early. Aside from Kurt Cobain there was Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington (Linkin Park), Dolores O’Riordan (The Cranberries), Amy Winehouse, Robin Williams, the list goes on. Many of whom were always thought to harbor “demons” they could not deal with. But is Demons really a correct assumption? Yes all of these amazing people struggled and some even had addictions thought to mask some sort of inner turmoil. But maybe in their ability to channel their art they also tapped into deeper thoughts and struggled with making sense of it all. Feelings that most of us have buried much deeper but we just haven’t unearthed them in the same ways that artists have.

I don’t have the answer because I am not any of those people but on some levels I can relate. Their thoughts and feelings were very personal and unique to them. But I would argue that “demons” don’t actually exist. That is simply a label society has tagged to something that explains away what someone might have struggled with. The term places reason or blame on something that cannot be understood – because lets face it none of us can truly get into the mind of another. I would also go as far as saying that perhaps “demons” places an assumption of evil on their feelings. Who is to say some were not chasing bliss, filling vast voids, or searching for something they couldn’t quite grasp, even if that led them to make consequential decisions. Not every person with struggles or those having so-called demons end up meeting their demise because of it.

Which leads me to believe that some people might just have different ways of harnessing what they have uncovered. Or tragically, have given up on what they cannot reason their way out of. Some simplistic definitions state that achieving nirvana is believed to make earthly feelings like suffering and desire disappear. If thought of in such terms then one could wrongly assume that death also has the same outcome.

But it’s nowhere near that simple and death is just the end and not something to be sought after. The only thing achieved in death is a period at the end of a sentence. Maybe certain suffering ends with death but so too does the light of life as it becomes extinguished. Death is certainly an all or nothing proposition.

This series of thought is still incomplete but I found it all significant enough to write down tonight. I’m sure I will revisit this again later as I explore the meanings behind nirvana and my own existence. BRB

Today while taking a personal deep dive through several big questions surrounding my life (as I often do), a specific Why question that I previously posted came up. The question was Why has no one ever told me everything is going to be okay. This sparked some additional pondering, some of which was – Why don’t I tell myself Everything is going to be okay?

Thinking through this also made me wonder:

• Why would I expect anyone to say these words to me if I haven’t made it evident that I am anything but “okay”? After all we don’t know what we don’t know.
• Are others already telling me Everything is going to be okay in other ways and I just don’t see it?

Delving into this topic I think there are some other questions that bubble up for me. It makes me think about empathy and if that is something that can only be given but not asked for in order to remain pure. The thought also occurred to me that maybe there are acts that replace verbal words of empathy, such as a hug, holding someone’s hand, or touching someone on the arm and shoulder to let them them know. All good questions. I’m not exactly sure what the answer is but I will revisit this.

Gratitude lists have been around for a long time but I don’t think I’ve ever written about the subject in specific terms or attempted an actual list. Recognizing what makes me thankful has always been engrained in me and I am quick to point out the positives in life whenever possible. Focusing on appreciation for the positives has also been one of my go-to coping tools whenever feelings of doubt or darkness loom.

Darkness is the absence of light, yet the absence of darkness is incapable of creating light. Only light can overcome the darkness created within the shadows.

I wrote the above because I believe the power of my own positive thoughts are what overcomes the darkness. Both light and darkness exist in a strange balance. No matter how dark, gloomy, or empty any moment may seem I can always count on finding something that I am equally thankful for to contrast the moment. Here are a few things I am thankful for today.

• I am grateful the sun came up today, even if the sun rising is a given.
• I am thankful the world really is a better place than some others make it out to be.
• I am glad that in my past I chose to take the red pill over the blue pill.
• I am grateful that I have never tired of sharing kindness toward those I care for.
• I am grateful I have given myself so many second chances in life.

Each day brings something I can be grateful for if I just stop and recognize them in the moment. I’ve begun an exercise to list those things and I’m interested to see how following this practice will feel. Stay tuned.

Update: I took down the Gratitude page, it just wasn’t working for me.

The other day I found this in my fortune cookie.

While this really felt timely I think it needs some adjusting for me personally.

There, fixed it! Before I concern myself with finding more time for the things I enjoy I think it is important that I attempt to Find More Joy 🙂

The other day I heard someone say that Karma was going to catch up with someone. While I am in no position to correct anyone I have always believed that this perception of Karma is misguided. The term Karma is more often used in place of the term Fate which seems inaccurate. I don’t fully believe in Fate but let me see if I can instead describe what Karma means to me.

First let me begin by stating in my opinion what Karma is Not.
Karma is neither a reward nor punishment. Karma does not take credit nor take blame for anything that happens in our lives. There is no Good or Bad Karma. Karma is not a mystical being or force of nature that will strike you down if you are evil, nor will it grant you 3 wishes as if it were a genie in a bottle. I do not believe in Luck or anything having any sort of magical ability to dictate outcomes in life.

And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make – McCartney/Lennon

I love this philosophical lyric. But the word “equal” should not be taken literally. I would argue that Karma is not proportional. There is no fixed amount of good (or bad) that will be granted based on the equal amount of good that you perform. Karma is not measurable by any means. Karma is not specific but instead is an unending exchange between How we live and the eventual outcomes that can potentially result.

It could be argued that Karma is a consequence of our actions however, I’m not entirely sure that is completely accurate either. Otherwise Karma once again becomes a reward or punishment. Fate and Luck are simply how an occurrence is perceived by some.

Karma to me is how we act and the indirect results that are influenced by our actions, all intertwined. But that does not mean I should have an expectation of achieving favorable Karma just because I always acted good. I cannot expect there to be good in my life if I do not act in a manner that is good to myself and the world around me. Thus experiencing the good things in life cannot be achieved if I have not put forth a positive effort. In contrast I think that bad things can happen to good people and vice versa. What happens to any of us is not directly attributed to a specific good or bad act. This counters the belief that Karma is a result tied to an action.

My most basic definition of Karma is that it is not simply the action nor the result by themselves, but instead Karma is the sum of our ongoing actions that can potentially influence various outcomes in our lives. Karma is circular, never ending, and the Everlasting Gobstopper of the universe. Karma is the overall process that brings balance and keeps us from imploding, or provides the conditions to self destruct.

I certainly believe that the more effort I put forth toward making this a better world contributes toward that result, and opens up the possibilities to then enjoy everything that life has to offer. That is my Karma.

This sunset made me thankful that I was around another day to soak it all in. I took this picture tonight while waiting for a stoplight. It really grabbed me for some reason. It is not the most beautiful I have ever witnessed but for some reason this one just hit me right when I needed it. Strange how sometimes things just happen right when we need them. Similar to a text message I received the other day, it’s contents were merely of a dog but it was the timing and thought that struck me. Somehow the sender knew right when to send this without any prompt. Luck? Fate? Maybe the universe just knew what I needed.

I wish I could be driving somewhere, anywhere, nowhere.

I wish I could listen to the ocean, feel the breeze on my face, and soak in the warmth of the sun on my shoulders.

I wish I could begin walking and never turn back.

I wish someone would place their hand on mine and tell me everything will be okay.  

I wish I could be anywhere other than where I am right now.

I wish it were tomorrow instead of today.

The only problem with wishing, is sometimes what we ask for is not at all what we needed, and what we truly needed was there all along.

A common phrase is Change is always possible, but I would argue that this statement is not entirely accurate. For Change to be only Possible implies that Change itself may also be impossible. I believe Change is unavoidable and occurs regardless. A rock will always be a rock, except in a few thousand years where the wind and water have altered it’s form. The rock itself may indeed be fragments of it’s former self, but there is no denying that change has occurred. A thought or ideal is no different. Despite resistance to change, that belief will become either stronger, weaker, or develop into something entirely different. Therefore – Change is not just possible, but rather Change is Inevitable.

I stood on the deck of the fishing boat as it headed out across the open water. The morning sun warmed my back as the cold ocean wind chilled my face. In that moment it is the most I have felt in so long yet I find little appreciation in the feeling. A young man feeling so old, preparing to complete his journey without giving it much of a chance.

The muffled sound of the boat’s engine slows and I know this is the stop to begin fishing. Others gather at the rear of the boat and determine where they will cast their first line. I instead stand alone toward the front and focus on the water below, imagining what lies beneath the surface. Gazing down through the waves as they lap the side of the boat I picture the great depths below. The bottom of the ocean completely beyond my view but I know it is there. Cold, dark, yet filled with so much life. Not at all unlike my own world. Yet I find myself contemplating a choice between the two; remain above, or become lost forever below.

I stand here today able to recall the events of that day because of the direction I chose. It would not be the only time nor will it be the last time I face that contemplative thought concerning my destiny. I can’t say for certain that I won’t be standing on the deck of that boat again but for now I choose to remain above the ocean.

Dear Younger Me, this is older you.
At least that is how I would begin a letter to myself if I could send that back in time.

The letter would continue –
If I could write to you and let you know what to expect in your future, I guarantee that you wouldn’t believe me. Depending on how early you receive this letter there will be much for you to encounter. Some of it will fill your heart with joy, other parts will make you question your own existence. Life is a strange experience and you get one shot at it. I can’t tell you to change anything. I can only say make the most of it. Be observant and soak in every moment because good or bad it is all part of your journey.

And by the way, there’s no rush to find out what lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

Sincerely, Future You