It’s been a month and a half since I wrote anything so this is sort of an update and check-in. I’ve made some real progress over the months, or at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself. There are moments that I feel the exact opposite.

What sucks about what I’m going through is the stronger the void becomes the more proficient I am at hiding it and denying that I’m in it. This condition makes me feel incapable of talking about my feelings with anyone or even admitting it to myself. In any situation where I should be sharing my struggles I instead go into denial mode, everything is fine in my mind and I seem to convince everyone (and myself) that I am doing well.

In my session this week I completely shut down and never came out to say how much I felt I was struggling. At times I feel as if I’ve moved backwards instead of forward. But when given the opportunity to talk about it I can’t help burying it all so deep that I can’t reach it. Not being able to explain what is going on certainly intensifies when I feel the void. This also adds to the frustration afterwards.

Logically I know that I’ve made improvements, but often I just want to quit on everything; bail out on sessions, ditch the medication, and seek out anything that might make me feel comfortably numb. In other words, do the same thing I’ve done for decades that has made me functional. What is so odd is this feeling of wanting to escape but not knowing what it is that I want to escape from. It is saying that I am fine, feeling that I am anything But fine, and then not knowing what it is that makes me feel that I’m not fine. All of this is such a strange contradiction and I can’t even explain it.