I’m just writing because I don’t know what else to do. It’s been a long time since this has happened with me. It’s 9:30 pm and I walked in to my office to do the regular stuff; sit at the computer to check emails, do random searches online, maybe find something entertaining. And then out of nowhere I’m blindsided by this, whatever THIS is. Absolutely overwhelmed at the moment. I’m paralyzed with this feeling that has me glued to my chair. I don’t want to move. I barely want to write this but I’m forcing myself to do at least something. I want to have these words stare back at me and scream SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF THIS! Why the hell has this weight suddenly been draped across my shoulders? Why can’t I step outside of this feeling? Why does suddenly having the life within me instantly silenced dominate my thoughts? Why the fuck! I’m feeling almost angry more than anything else with myself. I was past this bullshit. I resolved these occurrences many months ago. It was gone. Or at least this paralysis was left in the past. What happened to my progress? What happened to me? And why am I so damn bad at being normal. Maybe I’ll read this later and can figure out what exactly changed. Will there be a later? Logically yes but in this moment I can’t help but answer “I hope not”. Yes I know, this is an episode. That much seems painfully obvious.

This is different. what’s wrong. It feels different. I’m not floating in any sort of void but other things feel the same as before. My ears are ringing so loud its almost the only thing I can hear other than the very loud sound of the keyboard tapping out words like my fingers were made of solid wood. What did I do wrong to make this happen again. I feel completely defeated. This is different than before. I said that before but it is all I can think of. I’m grasping for thoughts here. It is different because I feel so aware of everything. The numbness of past episodes would be so welcomed right now. Part of me wants this to stop and part of me wants this to continue just long enough to figure out why this is happening. OMG this sucks so bad. Inside I’m spinning. My words are screaming inside of me. Outside I’m the picture of calmness. I just looked up toward the mirror across the room. I stared for a moment because I don’t like what I’m seeing. This is what crisis looks like? No wonder I’ve spent a lifetime with nobody noticing. The man in the mirror looks emotionless, calm, unphased by the storm inside. I look normal. Looks are so deceiving. The mirror doesn’t reveal what’s going on inside. So typical of me because I can’t tell anyone what is happening. My spiraling out is locked inside with no visible clues.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathe. The silence is deafening. Yet the smallest of sounds are so loud. I’ve never heard the sound of the computer fan before. I can hear some muffled music downstairs. I wonder if someone walked in right now if I would look the same to them as what the mirror reflects. But right now I’m hoping that I remain unseen until this passes. Is this going to pass? It always did in the past. I’m sure it will again. As I type I can feel the pressure under my forearms pressed down on the desk as if I were forcing them down. It’s almost painful.  But it’s a feeling so I’m just going to let that be for now.

I don’t get it. I worked so hard to make this go away. To prevent this. To take control. I feel like I’m just repeating the same words all over again. My wife just came upstairs and I suddenly scrambled to do something else. My heart races at the thought that I would have to explain myself if seen. The interruption sort of snapped me back to… I don’t know what but things don’t feel so heavy right now. It’s now 10:05 and it feels like it was only 5 minutes since I started all of this. I’m a little anxious but it’s better than whatever that last half hour was. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m slightly frightened by it all. Not sure if that is because this hasn’t happened in such a long time or if I’m scared of how real it all felt. Nope that’s what it is. It felt far too real. The experience. The awareness. The thought that I would have done anything to never feel that again. I feel absolutely defeated at this moment. A year of work flushed down the toilet. I don’t want to keep doing this. Please – Just make it stop already I’ll do anything just to make it go away. I feel obsessed with finding out how to make this stop. Right now I’m not even sure what it was that I did to make these episodes stay away nor what it was tonight that allowed all this to happen again. I can’t shake the feeling of disappointment in myself.