Sometimes we lean on friends without them even knowing. At least I am guilty of this. Bouncing thoughts off of someone but without revealing every aspect of where you are coming from is in a way testing the waters. People feel each other out to see if something will elicit a reaction or return the understanding so many of us desperately need.

When encountering a friend who can not only listen but relate in some ways, it sparks that special connection we as emotional beings are so often seeking. It moves from testing the waters to trusting that our feelings will be gently cared for. While not everything between any two people will always be completely relatable, empathy has a way of kicking in to say “I may not share everything you’ve been through but I understand”. To me this is so powerful because it unleashes the doubt and pent up feelings that we bury so deep. It provides a freedom to both sides to exercise a trust that society has taught us to guard. Letting that guard down is something I continue to work on, but it makes it so much easier when I witness someone else willing to share themselves.

Yesterday I had a conversation that was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. Heartbreaking because I had a glimpse into someone’s inner feelings and could sense the pain they have been in. Heartwarming because this person trusted in me enough to bare their soul. I came away from this with an ache for their state of mind yet a slightly better understanding of what someone else was going through. At the same time I recognized a renewed confidence in each of our ability to be there for one another.

For so long I have questioned if anyone would ever say to me “Everything is going to be alright”. I still do. But in this moment that was eclipsed by the need to reassure someone else and tell them that everything is going to be okay. I certainly can’t guarantee anything but I can be the best person possible for someone in need. Maybe telling someone else that everything is going to be alright is equal to telling myself the same thing.

This is less a thought and more of a journal entry. I can’t put my finger on it but something is not right. Things were going so good, I was working on an action plan. I still am. It is Thursday night. My focus has gone to shit. Tuesday I was so optimistic but it hasn’t changed the fact that I haven’t slept right for 2 weeks. I get so productive and start out with such motivation and then slowly decline into this daze. This morning I stood around for almost 3 hours and did nothing.

Tonight I went from accomplishing a few things that I wanted to and drifted into not wanting to do anything at all. I went from divide and conquer to overwhelmed by simplicity. I’m writing because it is the thing that keeps my feet on this side of the cliff (not literally). I’m in a mini crisis for the second time in 2 weeks and this is bullshit. I’m overwhelmed by nothingness.

I don’t want to reach out, I’m tired of reaching out it gets old. If it seems pathetic and smells of pity to me then I can only imagine how that begins to look to others. My grandmother once said “don’t waste a worry” which relates to how I am portioning out the times I reach out. I think I am trying to reserve those moments for when I really need them, sort of like holding back so that I avoid being the boy who cried wolf. I’m trying not to wear out my welcome with anyone whom I might really need to throw me a line when I get in too deep.

Some time has passed since writing the above and the writing it helped. I’m tempted to get blazed to help with some sleep that lasts more than an hour. Tomorrow is another day.

I love this statement so much!

Today someone shared a simple moment of encouragement with me that warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. They probably didn’t even realize how special those few words meant to me in that moment. It took me out of a pattern of self doubt that I easily fall into and it renewed my belief that there really are a few good people in this world. I would normally say something along the lines of “I don’t deserve this” but this one time I’m saying Yes, I absolutely deserve a moment like this once in a while.

A week ago I had an incredibly rough day. I came away from it slightly scarred from the residual effects that further fed my insecurities and doubtful thinking. What a difference a week and a few kind words can make.

Doubt is my nemesis. I feel so foolish when I am easily poisoned by doubt’s influence that drives me to paint these elaborate negative mental scenarios. Doubt is the one thing that bypasses my logic and has me draw conclusions based on negative perceptions of everything around me. Doubtful thinking has moved up on the list of things I want to improve upon.

Reading back over what I previously posted Thursday, all I can say is…

What a mess LOL

The following is a play-by-play account of a crisis I was in. Its not pretty but I voice to text recorded my thoughts while it was going on so I could learn from it.

Welp here I am and this shit has come to visit me and since nothing else felt right I thought I’d write about it to see what it looks like later when I can review it in a different mindset. It’s 12:45 Thursday afternoon.

Don’t know how to put it in words but right now the old familiar — dark / dread / lost / unforgiving / bullshit / everything is pointless / pull the plug / drop the curtain — or whatever it is came and sat on top of me. Fuck! I’m out running some errands to mix up my day, came out of the bank and as I sit in my truck I don’t want to move. I sit here for a good 15 minutes just feeling stuck. Tap Tap Tap Tap, nope that’s not doing anything right now. Put on the music. Maybe add the Tap Tap Tap Tap to a drum beat. Blah I don’t think that’s the point because now I’m drumming and crumbling at the same time. I feel like crying I’m so fucken frustrated for no reason but crying doesn’t come to me right now. This heaviness just sits on top of me, it tightens my chest, it presses down my shoulders, it makes my hands shake. Close my eyes, deep breaths, picture a peaceful drive, repeat. Picture the waves of the ocean, repeat, repeat. I feel a little calm and make up my mind, fuck this shit I’m not letting it drag me down in the middle of this parking lot. I don’t have time for this shit so driving back to the office because there I can collect myself rather than in a hot truck at the bank.

1:50 pm
Well that was a lovely fricken hot mess lol. I noted this on my phone and transferred it here without edits just to capture it. It’s been about 45 minutes. I’m okay. Hell I’m always okay so what’s the point in worrying about it, right? Yeah I know that’s not true, I should worry about it. After all I wrote it down so it is significant enough to take notes of it.

“I’m not crazy”
“I know I’m not crazy”
WTF! Of all things, those few words bring tears to my eyes? Seriously?!
I just can’t with my self right now
Breathe

This is a mess. I’m retreating to try a guided meditation to sooth my soul. I don’t care what any of this looks like. I’ll visit this later

Update: I had to post this picture tonight because laughter is my cure-all

Here’s a little short philosophical story I wrote.

A man is pushing a box filled with rocks down a road with great difficulty. A bystander sees the man and offers their advice. “Your effort may be less if you try pulling the box behind you instead of pushing”. So the man begins to drag the box behind him.

The next day the man comes upon someone else as he drags the box down the road. The person tells him, “You would have an easier time if you add some wheels under your box”.  The man takes the advice and adds wheels to his box of rocks and makes it into a cart that he can pull.

Weeks go by and everyday the man pulls his cart of rocks past the same people who previously advised him, and each gives him their nod of approval as he passes.

One day the man comes upon a stranger who says, “you look so tired pulling your cart full of rocks.” The man replies, “Yes but this use to be much more difficult. Thankfully some very nice people advised me to pull instead of push, and add wheels to make the box roll.” The stranger inquires further. “Why do you pull your cart of rocks up this road everyday?” to which the man replies, “I have done so all my life, this is just what I’ve always done.” 

The stranger continues to question the man.
“Do these rocks serve any purpose?” “No, they are just rocks” replied the man.
“How would you feel if you continued up the road each day without pulling this cart of rocks?” asks the stranger. The man replies, “Well I’m sure I would be less tired.” The stranger tells the man, “If these rocks are not necessary then perhaps your answer is to stop pulling them up the road. Instead, leave your cart of rocks here and continue on.” So the man continues on his way up the road without the cart of rocks.

The next day the man briskly walks up the road and comes across the stranger alongside the cart of rocks. “I feel great, the burden of pulling these rocks is gone” exclaimed the man. “Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?”
The stranger pauses and replies, “The others only provided you with solutions on how to ease your effort. I instead asked you to reconsider the reasons behind your efforts so you could improve the quality of your journey.”

Maybe the burdens we carry over our lifetimes are nothing but a box of meaningless rocks. We continue to seek new ways to make the effort easier when the truth is we shouldn’t be carrying them in the first place. How we look at the world and approach life can be the difference between walking down the road with energy and purpose, or dragging a box of rocks that slow our progress.

This is a really long way of saying that right now I’m just sorting rocks, soaking in feedback that makes me look at life differently, and evaluating my burdens to improve my journey.

This is a rather LOOONG thought so I’ve divided it into 2 parts. This rambling of thoughts is really meant for me to capture some things that I’ll use at a later date. It’s hardly worth the lengthy read.

I get these AH-HA moments often but this particular one today really triggered a deeper level of thought. I have been listening to this audiobook by Robert Wright named Why Buddhism is True. First let me say that this book is not just another book on Buddhist philosophy but rather it is very heavy on the side of science and research. This book is filled with fascinating pieces covering the author’s correlations between psychology, Darwinian concepts of natural selection, and Buddhist teachings. Boring to some but every chapter has peaked my interest with new thoughts and reinforcement of many of my own beliefs. Late into the book his discussion on Nirvana really hit one of many AH-HA moments for me.

He begins the chapter drawing comparisons to the 90’s grunge band Nirvana. This captured my interest since I was deeply impacted by Kurt Cobain’s death at that time but I can share more about that later. Wright continues to talk about how the band Nirvana was originally named Bliss and he speaks about the distinct differences there are between the terms Nirvana and Bliss. Notably this speaks to how Kurt Cobain might have been seeking nirvana in his own life but he instead chased bliss behind his drug addiction, ultimately leading to his suicide. Definitely not how anyone should seek bliss.

The connections the author makes here was part of my AH-HA moment. Not only the irony of a band’s naming but the life cut short by a troubled and confused mind chasing what he thought could provide him bliss. I’ve always held these thoughts around Cobain’s life but discounted them as my own pop culture interest. Yet here was a highly educated and well versed author making similar comparisons. Robert Wright struck both that AH-HA moment and a chord of validation with me on beliefs around a person’s life simultaneous to the meaning of Nirvana.

Part 2 – Those Demons
This led me to pause and consider a different set of thoughts I had about many people who were incredibly talented but left life too early. Aside from Kurt Cobain there was Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington (Linkin Park), Dolores O’Riordan (The Cranberries), Amy Winehouse, Robin Williams, the list goes on. Many of whom were always thought to harbor “demons” they could not deal with. But is Demons really a correct assumption? Yes all of these amazing people struggled and some even had addictions thought to mask some sort of inner turmoil. But maybe in their ability to channel their art they also tapped into deeper thoughts and struggled with making sense of it all. Feelings that most of us have buried much deeper but we just haven’t unearthed them in the same ways that artists have.

I don’t have the answer because I am not any of those people but on some levels I can relate. Their thoughts and feelings were very personal and unique to them. But I would argue that “demons” don’t actually exist. That is simply a label society has tagged to something that explains away what someone might have struggled with. The term places reason or blame on something that cannot be understood – because lets face it none of us can truly get into the mind of another. I would also go as far as saying that perhaps “demons” places an assumption of evil on their feelings. Who is to say some were not chasing bliss, filling vast voids, or searching for something they couldn’t quite grasp, even if that led them to make consequential decisions. Not every person with struggles or those having so-called demons end up meeting their demise because of it.

Which leads me to believe that some people might just have different ways of harnessing what they have uncovered. Or tragically, have given up on what they cannot reason their way out of. Some simplistic definitions state that achieving nirvana is believed to make earthly feelings like suffering and desire disappear. If thought of in such terms then one could wrongly assume that death also has the same outcome.

But it’s nowhere near that simple and death is just the end and not something to be sought after. The only thing achieved in death is a period at the end of a sentence. Maybe certain suffering ends with death but so too does the light of life as it becomes extinguished. Death is certainly an all or nothing proposition.

This series of thought is still incomplete but I found it all significant enough to write down tonight. I’m sure I will revisit this again later as I explore the meanings behind nirvana and my own existence. BRB

Today while taking a personal deep dive through several big questions surrounding my life (as I often do), a specific Why question that I previously posted came up. The question was Why has no one ever told me everything is going to be okay. This sparked some additional pondering, some of which was – Why don’t I tell myself Everything is going to be okay?

Thinking through this also made me wonder:

• Why would I expect anyone to say these words to me if I haven’t made it evident that I am anything but “okay”? After all we don’t know what we don’t know.
• Are others already telling me Everything is going to be okay in other ways and I just don’t see it?

Delving into this topic I think there are some other questions that bubble up for me. It makes me think about empathy and if that is something that can only be given but not asked for in order to remain pure. The thought also occurred to me that maybe there are acts that replace verbal words of empathy, such as a hug, holding someone’s hand, or touching someone on the arm and shoulder to let them them know. All good questions. I’m not exactly sure what the answer is but I will revisit this.

Gratitude lists have been around for a long time but I don’t think I’ve ever written about the subject in specific terms or attempted an actual list. Recognizing what makes me thankful has always been engrained in me and I am quick to point out the positives in life whenever possible. Focusing on appreciation for the positives has also been one of my go-to coping tools whenever feelings of doubt or darkness loom.

Darkness is the absence of light, yet the absence of darkness is incapable of creating light. Only light can overcome the darkness created within the shadows.

I wrote the above because I believe the power of my own positive thoughts are what overcomes the darkness. Both light and darkness exist in a strange balance. No matter how dark, gloomy, or empty any moment may seem I can always count on finding something that I am equally thankful for to contrast the moment. Here are a few things I am thankful for today.

• I am grateful the sun came up today, even if the sun rising is a given.
• I am thankful the world really is a better place than some others make it out to be.
• I am glad that in my past I chose to take the red pill over the blue pill.
• I am grateful that I have never tired of sharing kindness toward those I care for.
• I am grateful I have given myself so many second chances in life.

Each day brings something I can be grateful for if I just stop and recognize them in the moment. I’ve begun an exercise to list those things and I’m interested to see how following this practice will feel. Stay tuned.

Update: I took down the Gratitude page, it just wasn’t working for me.

The other day I found this in my fortune cookie.

While this really felt timely I think it needs some adjusting for me personally.

There, fixed it! Before I concern myself with finding more time for the things I enjoy I think it is important that I attempt to Find More Joy 🙂

The other day I heard someone say that Karma was going to catch up with someone. While I am in no position to correct anyone I have always believed that this perception of Karma is misguided. The term Karma is more often used in place of the term Fate which seems inaccurate. I don’t fully believe in Fate but let me see if I can instead describe what Karma means to me.

First let me begin by stating in my opinion what Karma is Not.
Karma is neither a reward nor punishment. Karma does not take credit nor take blame for anything that happens in our lives. There is no Good or Bad Karma. Karma is not a mystical being or force of nature that will strike you down if you are evil, nor will it grant you 3 wishes as if it were a genie in a bottle. I do not believe in Luck or anything having any sort of magical ability to dictate outcomes in life.

And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make – McCartney/Lennon

I love this philosophical lyric. But the word “equal” should not be taken literally. I would argue that Karma is not proportional. There is no fixed amount of good (or bad) that will be granted based on the equal amount of good that you perform. Karma is not measurable by any means. Karma is not specific but instead is an unending exchange between How we live and the eventual outcomes that can potentially result.

It could be argued that Karma is a consequence of our actions however, I’m not entirely sure that is completely accurate either. Otherwise Karma once again becomes a reward or punishment. Fate and Luck are simply how an occurrence is perceived by some.

Karma to me is how we act and the indirect results that are influenced by our actions, all intertwined. But that does not mean I should have an expectation of achieving favorable Karma just because I always acted good. I cannot expect there to be good in my life if I do not act in a manner that is good to myself and the world around me. Thus experiencing the good things in life cannot be achieved if I have not put forth a positive effort. In contrast I think that bad things can happen to good people and vice versa. What happens to any of us is not directly attributed to a specific good or bad act. This counters the belief that Karma is a result tied to an action.

My most basic definition of Karma is that it is not simply the action nor the result by themselves, but instead Karma is the sum of our ongoing actions that can potentially influence various outcomes in our lives. Karma is circular, never ending, and the Everlasting Gobstopper of the universe. Karma is the overall process that brings balance and keeps us from imploding, or provides the conditions to self destruct.

I certainly believe that the more effort I put forth toward making this a better world contributes toward that result, and opens up the possibilities to then enjoy everything that life has to offer. That is my Karma.

This sunset made me thankful that I was around another day to soak it all in. I took this picture tonight while waiting for a stoplight. It really grabbed me for some reason. It is not the most beautiful I have ever witnessed but for some reason this one just hit me right when I needed it. Strange how sometimes things just happen right when we need them. Similar to a text message I received the other day, it’s contents were merely of a dog but it was the timing and thought that struck me. Somehow the sender knew right when to send this without any prompt. Luck? Fate? Maybe the universe just knew what I needed.

I wish I could be driving somewhere, anywhere, nowhere.

I wish I could listen to the ocean, feel the breeze on my face, and soak in the warmth of the sun on my shoulders.

I wish I could begin walking and never turn back.

I wish someone would place their hand on mine and tell me everything will be okay.  

I wish I could be anywhere other than where I am right now.

I wish it were tomorrow instead of today.

The only problem with wishing, is sometimes what we ask for is not at all what we needed, and what we truly needed was there all along.

A common phrase is Change is always possible, but I would argue that this statement is not entirely accurate. For Change to be only Possible implies that Change itself may also be impossible. I believe Change is unavoidable and occurs regardless. A rock will always be a rock, except in a few thousand years where the wind and water have altered it’s form. The rock itself may indeed be fragments of it’s former self, but there is no denying that change has occurred. A thought or ideal is no different. Despite resistance to change, that belief will become either stronger, weaker, or develop into something entirely different. Therefore – Change is not just possible, but rather Change is Inevitable.

I stood on the deck of the fishing boat as it headed out across the open water. The morning sun warmed my back as the cold ocean wind chilled my face. In that moment it is the most I have felt in so long yet I find little appreciation in the feeling. A young man feeling so old, preparing to complete his journey without giving it much of a chance.

The muffled sound of the boat’s engine slows and I know this is the stop to begin fishing. Others gather at the rear of the boat and determine where they will cast their first line. I instead stand alone toward the front and focus on the water below, imagining what lies beneath the surface. Gazing down through the waves as they lap the side of the boat I picture the great depths below. The bottom of the ocean completely beyond my view but I know it is there. Cold, dark, yet filled with so much life. Not at all unlike my own world. Yet I find myself contemplating a choice between the two; remain above, or become lost forever below.

I stand here today able to recall the events of that day because of the direction I chose. It would not be the only time nor will it be the last time I face that contemplative thought concerning my destiny. I can’t say for certain that I won’t be standing on the deck of that boat again but for now I choose to remain above the ocean.

Dear Younger Me, this is older you.
At least that is how I would begin a letter to myself if I could send that back in time.

The letter would continue –
If I could write to you and let you know what to expect in your future, I guarantee that you wouldn’t believe me. Depending on how early you receive this letter there will be much for you to encounter. Some of it will fill your heart with joy, other parts will make you question your own existence. Life is a strange experience and you get one shot at it. I can’t tell you to change anything. I can only say make the most of it. Be observant and soak in every moment because good or bad it is all part of your journey.

And by the way, there’s no rush to find out what lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

Sincerely, Future You

I have a million questions, but I suppose so does everyone. Here are some of mine. 

Why am I really doing any of this? 
Why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? 
Why isn’t ‘good enough’ ever good enough?
Why do I always need to go and fuck things up? 
Why do I feel incapable of letting others down? 
Why do I make choices that let others down? 
Why does this constant need to be a giving person outweigh everything else?
Why do I shine a light on some yet cast a dark shadow on others? 
Why was I not told that this trip had so many layovers?
Why has no one ever touched my soul?
Why do I care – Care about others, care about the world?
Why do I feel like I can save the world, yet not myself? 
Why have I never heard the words Everything is going to be okay?
Why do I sometimes want to disappear?
Why do any of these questions make me want to cry?
Why can’t I cry about any of these questions?

These are all legitimate questions, some are purely hypothetical. I didn’t write them as some sort of pity party. I may never know the answer to all of these and perhaps I was not meant to. I can only continue to explore them. 

One of my favorite lyrics that really sings to my soul sometimes.

Whomsoever I’ve cured, I’ve sickened now
And whomsoever I’ve cradled, I’ve put you down
I’m a search light soul they say
But I can’t see it in the night
I’m only faking when I get it right
When I get it right
‘Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate?

– Chris Cornell (RIP) Sound Garden

I’ve been searching for the way to fix the cause, only to discover that all this time it was only the symptom.

My search continues.

I find it interesting that all these years later my arms have these tattoos that depict fish and what lives beneath the ocean. I do not think this is a coincidence. While I have always had a love for anything related to the ocean and it’s creatures, I find it curious that these artful images that adorn my skin resonates this theme. I did not set out with this in mind.

There is some deeper meaning that I have incorporated into my ink. Not just my desire to bring these images to the canvas of my skin.

This theme first began several years ago with the depiction of a large koi fish swimming up my upper left arm. In Japanese and Chinese mythology the koi swims up a waterfall in a great struggle. Upon conquering the waterfall he is rewarded at the top by being transformed into a beautiful dragon. The koi on my upper arm represents my struggles to attain success, overcome hardship, and my search for the beauty in life. My lower left arm was completed last year (2019) and shows 3 colorful fish swirling in dark turbulent waters from where the larger koi (previous tattoo) emerges. Turbulent waters is self evident.

My right arm has taken most of a year (2020). It began as a series of sea creatures that I requested the artist to use in his design. Some of the fish are those that I have had in various saltwater fish aquariums over the years. The scene begins at the bottom of the ocean with a coral reef and swimming fish.

The base (my wrist) shows a pair of clownfish protected within a bright anemone. In nature the anemone stings any fish that touches it, yet the clownfish has a protective coating that is immune. The relationship is symbiotic; the clownfish brings nutrients to the anemone, while the anemone hosts the fish by providing shelter. The anemone is my protective self that only lets in those that I have found a symbiotic connection with.

Other fish and jellyfish coexist in harmony up my arm as they survey the reef. A large sea turtle swims alone and is at peace moving through the open water.

Above this scene is the surface where waves break upon the shore. The palm trees sway in the ocean breeze as the clouds drift by.

I have many metaphors for the fish, the scenes, and how I connect to all of them. There is beauty in the art, pain in bringing this vision to reality, and personal connections with all the imagery that is as deep as the ocean.

My stories are told in different forms. This is just one of them.