This is a placeholder to talk about my metaphor for the door.

What is the door, and what do I believe lies beyond the door. The door is just another one of my metaphors. Life presents me with many doors. They can be decisions, paths, or outcomes. But for the purpose of this post I am talking about a door that is not meant to be opened. It is the door that sits at the end of ideation.

In essence the door in my ideation opens to the end. Opening the door I feel would present me with the darkness and nothingness that awaits me in death. The metaphor of opening this door and stepping out into the darkness on the other side is the equivalent to choosing to end my life. Opening the door in actuality would then involve moving from passive to active ideation. Therefore this relates back to my discussions around the Rock or that voice of reason that keeps me afloat. It keeps me from reaching for and wanting to step through that door. Thus it keeps me from making the jump from passive to active suicidal ideation.

Opening that door I see as a choice. I have an inner strength that I call upon to say no to that choice. Whereas the ideation itself I don’t feel is a choice. Ideation for me is much more than thoughts of suicide. Ideation comes to me in waves of questioning my need to exist or it can be a strong desire to give up on life. Sometimes it is a “what if” daydream or sometimes it is wishing I could flip a switch and the lights (my life) would go out. Flipping the switch is no different than the door, same result.

Part of me fears the door. Or maybe that fear is more about my Rock failing me. It’s a what if scenario. What if the desire to open the door and step through became stronger than my voice of reason that chooses not to? I don’t necessarily consider this a rational fear because I trust my voice of reason, but taking all things into consideration has always been my nature. In that respect the fear creeps in to my thoughts.