I have a million questions, but I suppose so does everyone. Here are some of mine. 

Why am I really doing any of this? 
Why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? 
Why isn’t ‘good enough’ ever good enough?
Why do I always need to go and fuck things up? 
Why do I feel incapable of letting others down? 
Why do I make choices that let others down? 
Why does this constant need to be a giving person outweigh everything else?
Why do I shine a light on some yet cast a dark shadow on others? 
Why was I not told that this trip had so many layovers?
Why has no one ever touched my soul?
Why do I care – Care about others, care about the world?
Why do I feel like I can save the world, yet not myself? 
Why have I never heard the words Everything is going to be okay?
Why do I sometimes want to disappear?
Why do any of these questions make me want to cry?
Why can’t I cry about any of these questions?

These are all legitimate questions, some are purely hypothetical. I didn’t write them as some sort of pity party. I may never know the answer to all of these and perhaps I was not meant to. I can only continue to explore them. 

One of my favorite lyrics that really sings to my soul sometimes.

Whomsoever I’ve cured, I’ve sickened now
And whomsoever I’ve cradled, I’ve put you down
I’m a search light soul they say
But I can’t see it in the night
I’m only faking when I get it right
When I get it right
‘Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate?

– Chris Cornell (RIP) Sound Garden

I’ve been searching for the way to fix the cause, only to discover that all this time it was only the symptom.

My search continues.

I find it interesting that all these years later my arms have these tattoos that depict fish and what lives beneath the ocean. I do not think this is a coincidence. While I have always had a love for anything related to the ocean and it’s creatures, I find it curious that these artful images that adorn my skin resonates this theme. I did not set out with this in mind.

There is some deeper meaning that I have incorporated into my ink. Not just my desire to bring these images to the canvas of my skin.

This theme first began several years ago with the depiction of a large koi fish swimming up my upper left arm. In Japanese and Chinese mythology the koi swims up a waterfall in a great struggle. Upon conquering the waterfall he is rewarded at the top by being transformed into a beautiful dragon. The koi on my upper arm represents my struggles to attain success, overcome hardship, and my search for the beauty in life. My lower left arm was completed last year (2019) and shows 3 colorful fish swirling in dark turbulent waters from where the larger koi (previous tattoo) emerges. Turbulent waters is self evident.

My right arm has taken most of a year (2020). It began as a series of sea creatures that I requested the artist to use in his design. Some of the fish are those that I have had in various saltwater fish aquariums over the years. The scene begins at the bottom of the ocean with a coral reef and swimming fish.

The base (my wrist) shows a pair of clownfish protected within a bright anemone. In nature the anemone stings any fish that touches it, yet the clownfish has a protective coating that is immune. The relationship is symbiotic; the clownfish brings nutrients to the anemone, while the anemone hosts the fish by providing shelter. The anemone is my protective self that only lets in those that I have found a symbiotic connection with.

Other fish and jellyfish coexist in harmony up my arm as they survey the reef. A large sea turtle swims alone and is at peace moving through the open water.

Above this scene is the surface where waves break upon the shore. The palm trees sway in the ocean breeze as the clouds drift by.

I have many metaphors for the fish, the scenes, and how I connect to all of them. There is beauty in the art, pain in bringing this vision to reality, and personal connections with all the imagery that is as deep as the ocean.

My stories are told in different forms. This is just one of them.