Today was a good day. Let me rephrase that. Everyday is a good day, today just had a little extra somethin-somethin added on top. It wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine but I felt as if I accomplished much specifically during therapy.

This morning’s therapy session (and yes I showed up on the right day lol) something was different right from the start. I jumped right in and spoke about a previously discussed workbook and some topics on my mind. Shortly after this I noticed something was different with me. Ironically so did my therapist and she immediately brought this to my attention. Something was very different about my approach, how I did not pause for any small talk, and how I was articulating my thoughts with greater focus than usual.

Oddly I did not prepare any differently. I typically have something in mind to talk about, but I normally take some time (and prodding) to get around to anything. My therapist said she was seeing a shift in me today. I’ve heard that a couple times before as I make progress, but this time I could actually feel that shift. Something was different.

Unfortunately I celebrated the moment too quickly. Just like that I was back into a circular description and found myself rephrasing topics in different ways. I had reverted to jumbled thoughts and struggled to piece anything together. That feeling of being articulate and focused was gone as I kept talking trying to find my way back. I was absolutely digging myself in deeper and no matter which direction I steered in I began shutting down. I had practically given up on recovering from this detour. Thankfully my she picked up on this and reeled me back in. I’m glad she picks up these subtle tendencies.

My therapist called this to my attention and I admittedly confessed that I was indeed far off track from where I started. I had gone from an expressive person speaking from the heart to my analytical self churning out explanations and rigidly formed answers. She then proposed that maybe I was shielding again, putting up barriers to avoid talking in a more emotional frame of mind. I think she was right.

Just before I could launch into another jumbled explanation or expand upon this further, she leaned in and in a calm but concerned voice asked me, “Are you currently in ideation?” Holy crap, I most certainly WAS and had been. Yet I could barely even notice it. For a split second I wanted to answer No, but instead I quickly gave in. l told her that I had been [in ideation] for some time. I also fessed up that it doesn’t go away as much as I’ve said before.

All of this hit differently. The initial question if I were in ideation almost brought me to tears. Maybe I should have let it. Same with the follow up discussion, where a couple of times I felt my throat tighten. I noticed that I was now speaking in a more subdued manner. My focus was back even if it didn’t seem like I was as upbeat as before. I could also see in her face that I might need to add in some reassurance that I was not active vs passive in my ideation nor in any danger to myself. I can’t imagine having to sit across from me and wonder that, so that is another reason why I feel the need to make statements like “I’m safe, I’m not in any danger, I’m not going to act upon any thoughts of suicide. I just hope she believed I was being sincere with my statement and not just bullshitting my way out of the topic. I don’t take that subject or my safety lightly. I am always truthful when it comes to this subject when asked point blank.

I’m going to end this post here because I feel exhausted just trying to recapture how much happened in one session. I’m thankful that I could take a good day and make it better by covering so much ground. Even though she would say that getting to this point has all been the result of my hard work, I have to say that my therapist is a fricken rock star in patiently helping me work toward a better me. This has seriously been the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done.

Today I did something stupid. This morning I took some time to prepare for my therapy session today. I jotted down some notes about some topics including the previous post I wrote here (below) a couple weeks ago. I arrived at my session a few minutes early, took a few deep breaths before walking inside. Time began to pass and then the door opened and she walked out to the waiting room. I instantly could tell by her face that I wasn’t suppose to be there right then. I instantly thought, shit did I miss my appointment and I should have been there yesterday (Wednesday) and not today? She then tells me “your appointment is for tomorrow” and I quickly realize that today is Wednesday not Thursday.

Shit! I am feeling stupid and humiliated for forgetting what day it is. “Shit” and “sorry” was all I could say. She asked if I was okay and she had a look of genuine concern, to which I said “yes I’m fine”. My typical response Ugh. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. To answer “No I’m the exact opposite of Okay” was not the right answer either considering I had just walked in when she was probably with another patient. Fact was that I was anything but okay in that moment. I probably wasn’t okay this morning to begin with either. Maybe deep down I forgot the day because I wasn’t feeling okay? Now I’m just overanalyzing this. Driving away I couldn’t help but relive the moment over and over. I pulled over and just started crying. WTF. A couple more deep breaths and I pulled it together. I look up and see a small group of frisbee golf people just staring at me after I just lose my shit sitting in my truck. UGH how many times do I need to embarrass myself today! Back to work I go to write all this down.

Welcome to another episode of Wish I were Dead. Feeling extra sarcastic so bear with me. This is where the host normally invites the audience to come along on his blog or article, except there is no audience right now and frankly the things I have to say are far from entertaining. Today’s topic; “Why am I still here?”  (Full disclosure, I am not actively suicidal at the time of writing this. I am safe from any harm)

Why am I still here?
This morning my first waking thought was Why am I here?  and Wouldn’t I be better off dead. WTF man?! How the hell am I supposed to start my day like that? So I hit the snooze button for the third time and fall back asleep. Not because I’m sleepy but maybe upon waking again I’ll have a different mindset. Sort of a mental reboot where tech support suggests “Well did you try to restart it?” Fourth alarm goes off and now it’s just getting annoying that my thoughts can’t be elsewhere, so out of bed and off to the shower I go.

Some of this may be too descriptive but in this moment of writing I don’t feel like sugar coating the details. In the shower I wash every inch of my body to the point of starting to feel it’s excessive. After all, how fricken dirty could I possibly be after a nights sleep? Or maybe I’m just trying to wash off the stink of thinking I want to die. Momentarily I consider closing my eyes and rubbing one out as I let the hot water hit my face. Perhaps that would provide a brief release of tension? Nah. I pass on the idea of self pleasure. After all if standing under the shower for the past 20 minutes hasn’t altered my thoughts then more time spent here certainly isn’t going to change anything.

I’m so done with the shower and just want to finish getting ready and head off to work. I stare at the same few shirts hanging in the closet as if it were actually important what I wear today. I shouldn’t have to contemplate such a decision so long. Especially since there are only a dozen shirts hanging there and my rotation tends to only utilize half of them. Should I wear a black shirt today, or maybe one of these black shirts next to it? That question makes me laugh. Well duh, 10 of the 12 shirts there are black LOL. FYI I don’t own mostly black shirts because of some EMO obsession with dark doom and gloom, rather I just like black shirts and it further helps that the color black hides my dad bod belly. The rest of my morning routine is even more uneventful than this (if that’s even possible) so out the door I go with my industrial sized coffee mug.

On the way to work I take a mental note about something concerning the morning and my state of mind. Something very typical for me. I’m actually in a cheerful mood. The morning air has a nice crispness, the music on the radio is good enough for a couple of air guitar strums and drum solos on the steering wheel, and the drive just feels enjoyable. In fact if I were in the presence of anyone they would probably think I was a fucken delight to be around haha. Yet I can’t say “I want to be alive.” This is not out of the ordinary for me. That would probably come as a surprise to anyone reading the description above.

How is it possible to be in a good mood, acting like I’m this positive ray of sunshine, all while thinking deep inside that I would rather be dead? And there lies the drastic contrast within me. What a great day to be alive, wish I were dead is not exactly something anyone could wrap their head around. It doesn’t fit the typical diagnosis of depression or common descriptions of suicidal ideation, yet here I am. I keep using both of those phrases (depression and ideation) even if they still seem foreign to me. Depression is not sadness for me and almost nothing that I’ve read or studied describes this when it comes to depression. Yes at times I feel numb or disinterested and yes this condition sucks the living hell out of me, but rarely is sadness a part of these moments. It’s not what someone might consider a mood disorder. Rather all these mixed up things just coexists. It is the Good Bad and the Ugly of my life and all running concurrently. Maybe I’m getting off point of what I wanted to describe hear so I’ll revisit that later.

At this point while driving to work I think that maybe it would be helpful to write down some of this. Welp here I am typing out what seems fairly mediocre. Why can I write descriptively yet when I speak I am a mess fumbling for the words to say? Again that’s another subject for another day.

To recap: Woke up thinking about being dead, went through some average morning routines, drove to work, feel like I’m in a pleasant mood, write these notes about it, still want to die. Yup that pretty much covers it. Hmmm, doesn’t exactly make a lot of sense. And if none of this sounds like the stereotypical sad or hopeless mood disorder that is associated with depression, you’re right. It’s far fucken worse. It feels like I’m this walking contradiction. I can’t explain it to myself let alone anyone else which just feels frustrating and further encourages me to place it all back inside the drawer under the unmatched socks. My typical day consists of good moods, normal highs and lows. Passive thoughts of wanting to die just happen to occur simultaneously.

The above is what I would characterize as my almost daily normal, with a couple of days that I dig in so deeply to a task or project that I don’t stop to think about these things. Spread out more sporadically and far less often (thankfully) are those moments of crisis where suddenly the shit gets real for no apparent reason. Those times where I go from the described daily contradictory struggles of being me to where I am fighting to keep from spiraling out while simultaneously preventing anyone from seeing me in crash mode. Yeah those days feel like they steal years off my life… hmm maybe that’s the point?

The above seems like such a mix of crap. Sort of a casserole of thoughts and feelings. Probably worth mentioning, I hate casseroles.

The thought of making others concerned that I might hurt myself doesn’t remove the ideation, it just makes it worse. I end up hating myself for having these thoughts and guilty that I’d put anyone through that, which in turn perpetuates the idea that death would be a better solution. All of this spirals endlessly like a scratched record stuck on repeating a part of a song, it continues until smacking the record player to skip past the scratch. In my case that smack comes in the form of interruptions or even an eye opening flick to my forehead and saying “snap out of it, keep it up and you’ll end up in the psych ward which will be far more devastating to others.”

Shaking sense into myself is not much different than kicking that skipping record player. It’s not the stereo’s fault there’s a skip, it’s the record itself that is damaged. Neither action fixes the actual problem. It only skips past the scratch so that the music will continue. Once that song plays again the scratch will still be there.

What I’m trying to convey is this. When in the midst of suicidal ideation, the thought of confiding in anyone feels mortifying. The idea of pulling others down into my world makes me feel worse, which then makes me not want to live even more. The thought of no longer existing can seem like a better alternative. I know that is not true and my own coping mechanisms reel me back in.

TBC

It’s been a month and a half since I wrote anything so this is sort of an update and check-in. I’ve made some real progress over the months, or at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself. There are moments that I feel the exact opposite.

What sucks about what I’m going through is the stronger the void becomes the more proficient I am at hiding it and denying that I’m in it. This condition makes me feel incapable of talking about my feelings with anyone or even admitting it to myself. In any situation where I should be sharing my struggles I instead go into denial mode, everything is fine in my mind and I seem to convince everyone (and myself) that I am doing well.

In my session this week I completely shut down and never came out to say how much I felt I was struggling. At times I feel as if I’ve moved backwards instead of forward. But when given the opportunity to talk about it I can’t help burying it all so deep that I can’t reach it. Not being able to explain what is going on certainly intensifies when I feel the void. This also adds to the frustration afterwards.

Logically I know that I’ve made improvements, but often I just want to quit on everything; bail out on sessions, ditch the medication, and seek out anything that might make me feel comfortably numb. In other words, do the same thing I’ve done for decades that has made me functional. What is so odd is this feeling of wanting to escape but not knowing what it is that I want to escape from. It is saying that I am fine, feeling that I am anything But fine, and then not knowing what it is that makes me feel that I’m not fine. All of this is such a strange contradiction and I can’t even explain it.

Today during session I was experiencing an episode of Ideation and without realizing it I lost focus on the conversation. I lost all train of thought and zoned out to the point I could not recall what was being said to me. Unlike other times I owned up to what was happening. I didn’t pretend or fake that I heard what was said.

I realized that during ideation I can become very distracted and lose focus. So much so that I lose the ability to be in the moment or be present in a conversation. I typically fight very hard to keep this buried and work on concentrating on whatever is going on around me. I realize that I have become very good at faking being present, to the point that nobody probably notices unless they are paying close attention. I don’t necessarily believe it is because I don’t want to hear something or that my interest is not being held. Rather I feel as if I lose the ability to hold that focus. Ideation has two effects on me that both drain my focus. One is the fight I put up to mask the ideation from being evident to anyone else. Second is Ideation’s distraction from everything else. Maybe both are the same, but all of this drains my energy needed to be present in the moment.

Here’s a thought. If Ideation has me thinking about giving up on life, and instead my drained energy results in me giving up on being present in the moment, are both outcomes not similar? Both involve ceasing to live, though ending life is permanent. Not being able to focus on life’s moments robs me of life. Therefore Ideation wins in taking something from me and others. I’m not saying I would give into the ideation based on this theory. It’s just interesting to me that Ideation succeeds at taking life away even if they are just moments.

One takeaway for me is that, Ideation is not just thoughts of ceasing to live. Ideation itself involves not living and losing moments of my life to this condition. I think it is worth exploring these thoughts more and not minimizing that Ideation is probably much more than how I’ve defined it.

I’ve contemplated often over what Ideation is trying to tell me. Maybe there isn’t an answer, maybe I will never know. And I’m okay with that. But one thing sticks with me. Just because I can accept that I may never have the answer to Why, does it also mean I should accept that it may never go away? I don’t believe I hold onto ideation as if I am unable to give it up. I certainly do not want that in my life.

I have introduced many things into my life to help alleviate the symptoms and results of depression and ideation. These things such as meditation, finding my joy, and medication have been positive additions to my life, but I can’t say it has made anything go away. Maybe all of the things I do simply make the negative aspects of my mind easier to live with. I still don’t know what it would take to make it all stop. Maybe there is no answer to that.

Monday update, I am noting this here because it relates to my treatment. I’ve been on Zoloft (Sertraline) for 4 months and increased the dosage to 100mg just over a month ago. The increased dosage has shown no perceived change however the side effects have increased substantially over the past weeks.

Fatigue and daytime sleepiness top this list. I find it almost impossible to not want to sleep by afternoon. Other effects include increased lack of concentration, weight gain, and other nasty yet common side effects. None of these feel like a sedative effect. I just feel exhausted and there has been little to no improvements to counter this. I’m seeking advice on how to change this because I’m starting to feel bad about everything in general.

UPDATE: On Tuesday I was prescribed Wellbutrin to augment the Zoloft as well as tapering the Zoloft dosage slightly. I am still holding out hope for some positive effects. Maybe the combination will make me Well-Oft (bad Dad joke lol).

What is the Rock? What does it mean to be the rock for others? What role does the feelings of the rock play in guiding me away from things like ideation? How does my rock persuade me to correct my course or avoid reaching for the door. These are a few areas I want to explore here.

The Rock is how I describe the role I often play toward others. Many would describe me as their rock and they rely on me for advice, help, and to be the voice of reason in most situations. In times of uncertainty my ability to remain calm and think through situations objectively has placed me in this position. It comes very natural to me.

The term Rock therefore also applies toward my own personal voice of reason. It is my grounding rod, my rational internal voice, it is my truth. Aside from helping me make sound decisions the Rock also acts to protect me from myself. What I mean by that is when something like ideation deepens in intensity the Rock is what pulls me back. It is my compass that keeps me from getting lost, and when I feel like giving up and stepping through the final door then the Rock is what always intervenes. More about The Door metaphor in my next post.

One observation I have about my Rock is that it often lies in wait and only gets called upon when in desperate need or when requested. My Rock is slightly passive in that it does not jump in at the first sign of trouble. I have more theories than answers to why that might be. Am I trying to learn a lesson on coping before jumping in to help myself? Maybe its my tendency to only lend assistance when asked upon or when that need becomes very evident? I know I do this when assisting others, I avoid trying to solve the problems for others too quickly so that I don’t come off overbearing. Plus nobody likes to be told what to do or how to solve every problem, so the same applies to me.

This would be all fine and good if I were talking about learning lessons or avoiding the same mistake twice. But ideation is not in that category. Ideation is a desire to quit, to give up. Ideation is an overwhelming feeling when at its worst, or questioning why I should carry on at it’s mildest end of that spectrum. At the tail end of stronger ideation the Rock is merely a safety net. That voice of reason talks me down from the ledge (not literally) or gives me all the reasons why I matter in this world. In this regard the Rock is very powerful. I have complete trust in my ability to use that reasoning to prevent anything from happening.

It would be so easy if I could call upon that voice of reason at the first sign of ideation, though I wish I could. My go to remedy in the past has often been to either ignore or stuff the ideation back inside but that is not my voice of reason or Rock at work, rather it is using denial and hiding these feelings. That takes a lot of work and in the end I feel like I’ve just stuffed junk away in a drawer rather than cleaning up some mess. The alternative isn’t much better, sitting with the ideation or the void and letting it debilitate me from being an active participant in my life.

There is a third and less used option which is probably a variation of the first (deny and hide). That is to say “Not today” and cut off the ideation. That worked last week prior to leaving on my weekend vacation but it doesn’t often work that well. Using my Rock to say Not Today doesn’t address the cause, it doesn’t attempt to listen to what the ideation might be trying to tell me, and it more often than not just places the episode on pause. Maybe it worked this past weekend because once I paused the ideation I kept myself so occupied that I didn’t allow space for it to return. But by the next week on Wednesday my ideation appeared again. I can’t tell if this is resuming from the prior pause or a new episode. Maybe trying to analyze it that way doesn’t matter.

Some of this applies in ways to the Void. However with the Void I am not relying on a safety net to fall back on or the Rock to pull me back. The similarities are in how I can deny and hide the void to remain somewhat functional. I can sometimes also use Not Today to place the void in the backseat to other priorities. In these respects maybe the Void and Ideation are not so much different occurrences, rather they are variations or different flavors of my overarching depression. Just a theory. I’m not convinced yet they are the same.

This is a placeholder to talk about my metaphor for the door.

What is the door, and what do I believe lies beyond the door. The door is just another one of my metaphors. Life presents me with many doors. They can be decisions, paths, or outcomes. But for the purpose of this post I am talking about a door that is not meant to be opened. It is the door that sits at the end of ideation.

In essence the door in my ideation opens to the end. Opening the door I feel would present me with the darkness and nothingness that awaits me in death. The metaphor of opening this door and stepping out into the darkness on the other side is the equivalent to choosing to end my life. Opening the door in actuality would then involve moving from passive to active ideation. Therefore this relates back to my discussions around the Rock or that voice of reason that keeps me afloat. It keeps me from reaching for and wanting to step through that door. Thus it keeps me from making the jump from passive to active suicidal ideation.

Opening that door I see as a choice. I have an inner strength that I call upon to say no to that choice. Whereas the ideation itself I don’t feel is a choice. Ideation for me is much more than thoughts of suicide. Ideation comes to me in waves of questioning my need to exist or it can be a strong desire to give up on life. Sometimes it is a “what if” daydream or sometimes it is wishing I could flip a switch and the lights (my life) would go out. Flipping the switch is no different than the door, same result.

Part of me fears the door. Or maybe that fear is more about my Rock failing me. It’s a what if scenario. What if the desire to open the door and step through became stronger than my voice of reason that chooses not to? I don’t necessarily consider this a rational fear because I trust my voice of reason, but taking all things into consideration has always been my nature. In that respect the fear creeps in to my thoughts.

I am fresh out of today’s session and so much fills my mind. Today I talked about what I experience while in the void which is where I have been. That is unusual for me because the void makes me want to do the opposite; not talk, not open up, avoid letting on to anyone what is really going on. The other topic was my ideation and I found myself steering toward that often during the session. Similar to the Void, I do not bring up Ideation or write about it until after it has passed. Today was different.

I am in ideation right now. I have been since yesterday. The thoughts of death, the thoughts of not wanting to exist, the idea of giving up, it is very strong. Compared to the void which has been weak for many days. Describing the ideation is only similar to the Void in that I have difficulty describing it. It is not loud, not crystal clear, but rather a nagging voice that has no sound or words. It is a feeling to give in, give up, ignore reasoning and all common sense. Ideation tells me that everything else in my life is meaningless. It feels like nothing matters. I have this voice of reason for lack of a better term that fights against the ideation feelings. The fight in me tells me my value, it speaks to me on a level of encouragement and assures me that I matter. I know that life is good and worth living.

Why? I feel as though my ideation is not based in any sort of common sense. It is not driven by any feelings of doom or gloom. So what is it then? Why do I feel this and what does it tell me. I’m going to sit with this for a few moments and come back with what I might find – BRB

I’m back now. I sat with my feelings for a bit. Now that I write again I realize that the void did not subside like I originally thought toward the end of my session. I think it just pushed down inside of me or became too faint to notice, but it’s still here. But that is not what I sat with for the past hour. The deeper dive I’ve taken I’ve tried to listen to what message the ideation is telling me, if there is any message, without being critical.

I just noticed something that never stood out to me before. Aside from the fact that my ideation comes in different intensities, I think there are two different types of ideation that I experience. The first and more common is surrounded by questions. Why do I need to exist, why does anything matter, how come I want to die in that moment, what is the point of anything. The second type for me are statements instead of questions; I don’t need to exist anymore, I wish the lights would go out, and I don’t want to do this (live) anymore. The difference involves a milder questioning as opposed to having bolder feelings.

The questioning type of ideation is easily diffused because the answers are clear. I know my value and trust my need to remain a part of the universe. The heavier type that states these feelings as if they were fact is much more exhausting because it is a debate that requires a rebuttal. It is far more frustrating because despite knowing that none of the reasoning behind wanting to cease my existence makes any logical sense I am still left either dismissing it or fighting this off. Yesterday began with a form of questioning and the easy answers made this go away, or at least lessened the feelings.

This morning it came right back but this time in that bolder more relentless type of ideation. And that is where I’ve been all day. Throughout my session, while sitting here in my office writing this, and while I took time to sit here with myself. I keep asking myself this afternoon, what does any of this tell me? What is the message? Not just Why, but also How come? I sit in stillness and just listen. I am attempting to not react or provide a rebuttal but instead sit in silence and see what comes to me.

More time has passed now. The sound of a summer rainstorm sounds so nice. I am still lacking for any message from this episode of ideation. I know I often speak in metaphors but right now I want so badly to give up the fight. I spoke of a door that has nothing behind it but darkness. I want to reach for that door and step out into the nothingness. The end wouldn’t seem so bad right now. Then that hard summer rain reminds me that none of those cleansing senses of rain will exist on the other side of that door. It prevents me from escalating and it keeps me here, yet the thought of or saying I want to die remains. There’s just not the urge to act upon that thought. In this moment I feel slightly angry with myself. I also feel tired, frustrated, and disappointed. How will anyone ever understand me if I can’t make sense of this myself? As much as I’ve tried to open up about all of this I find myself recoiling and hiding. I find it so strange that I can find so much good and positivity around me yet still say that I want to die. The contradiction baffles me.

Today I made a slight attempt at describing different feelings that come up while in the midst of a void episode. The overall feeling is struggle. That is probably the best descriptor. I ended today’s session by saying that I am struggling, and I am certainly in that struggle right now. As I drove back toward my office I felt my eyes become heavy with tears along with the feeling of ________.  Blank, nothingness, and a certain amount of despair for not feeling something more. I feel frustrated because I cannot find the words to describe how I feel, but a big part of this is not feeling anything at all.

On top of this lingering mild void there is this ideation that is strong this morning. I just want to disappear from this life. I’m so very tired of trying to cope or distract my way around or away from these thoughts. I’m really struggling right now but I am not in danger. I have a strong self awareness of what it would mean to escalate those thoughts or feelings into a plan, and that keeps me above that. But fuck if this all doesn’t feel so shitty right now. I have a million reasons to be grateful and so many reasons to live. But right now I just don’t care. I’m annoyed at myself for even saying that I don’t care. Such a conflict I feel right now.

I hate this void feeling even if it has been mild, and I hate when the suicidal ideation comes. I especially hate when these happen together or within the same timeframe. Another point of annoyance for me is how comfortable and unaffected I act toward either of these episodes. As much as I hate both I also take it in stride and I can be a little dismissive of them.

I am trying to be an optimist. I know that my process has been two steps forward and one step back along this journey. In this moment all of the above feels like a step back and I can only hope that another two steps forward will follow at some point. In this moment I only see the slight void and ideation that has sucked all of my focus and energy.

One thing that comes up for me is these opposing thoughts or feelings. What I feel is loneliness and that nobody would care or understand me, but what i know is that I am not alone and there are plenty of people who care about me even if they don’t understand. Case in point, as I typed the last letter of that sentence I received a message wishing me well today on my session. The universe seems to always answer when I struggle. It is the thought of what happens when the universe doesn’t answer someday that makes me wonder. But I can’t dwell on that sort of negativity.

I stepped away for a few minutes and did some breathing and meditation. I’m still stuck when it comes to what to say or write. I can definitely restate that I am struggling to hold it together. Again I am not saying that I am a danger to myself but I am struggling to pull myself up and out of this. But rather than sit here and just thinking how I want everything to end so I stop feeling like this, I need to get up and get out for a while. I will take a drive for a while and take myself out of this emptiness. Because right now this is just a hole that accomplishes nothing by staying inside of it.

To be continued.

For just over a week I have been in The Void, though it is not as extreme as some of my other episodes. This has been Void Lite hahaha. The annoying part is that this episode has stuck around for a long time. It feels like when a void episodes begins, but this time it is just stalled and has not escalated like usual. This has gone on for 8 days.

Here is the problem with the Void. When I am in this state of mind I lack the motivation or desire to talk about it. While in the void I will almost always answer “I’m fine” if asked how I am doing, I will avoid talking about how I feel, and I will even waste the opportunity to discuss it in depth while in session as I did today. This just frustrates me more when I miss the chance to talk about how I really feel. It is such an automatic reaction to retreat from talking about this right while I am in the thick of those feelings – or lack thereof.

I’m feeling a little disappointed in myself because I have come so far and put in some hard work but then I dismiss these chances to talk about it. Today’s session was good in that I walked away with some target accomplishments to shoot for this week, but I also avoided going into today’s feelings in any depth.

I need to go meditate and get out of this funk because I feel like shit right now and I’m just making myself feel worse. I wrote the above so I can revisit this going into next week’s session.

Today started off very typical. Woke up at 6:30 and went about my morning tasks at home. I have been wearing a fitness monitor and I have noticed my sleep has been poor for the past 2 days, or at least slightly worse than normal. For me normal has been 4 to 5 hours of light sleep and 1 hour of deep sleep according to the tracker. For the past two days I only have 30 minutes of deep sleep each night and I can definitely feel it. I took some extra time this morning and had some toast and coffee with my wife rather than just heading out the door immediately for work. It was relaxing but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that was creeping up on me. My wife asked if I was okay to which I replied I was fine but tired from not sleeping well.

I left for work around 8:30 and by now I could already tell that a slight feeling of the Void was here with me. But it was very brief and today it was replaced by a strong feeling of Ideation. Its sort of uncommon to have this while driving since this is my peaceful time, but then again there really has not been any time where this has not occurred.

Thoughts, feelings and observations
Today’s ideation included a daydream (for lack of a better term) where I imagined what it would be like to be leave this life. It was very non specific because I ran through multiple scenarios. This included the idea of driving to a cliff and looking down at the ocean and imagining that being the end. Another included just sitting inside my parked truck and closing my eyes and not waking up. Nothing crossed my mind as to what would lead me to not waking up, it was an incomplete thought. None of these were a plan but rather scenarios. I will state this right now, I am not going to escalate any of this into an active plan for suicide. As far as how I felt, there is a numbness during these thoughts. I am neither hot nor cold, no feelings of excitement nor a low or sad feeling.

It has been an hour since my drive and those thoughts. Upon reaching my office I lit a candle and tried to meditate for a few minutes. I feel very distracted this morning. Despite having things I need to do I am having trouble building any motivation. As I write this I feel like I’m having a hard time. I feel oddly emotional or as if I am finding it difficult to even write. There is a heavy ache just behind my shoulder blades and my arms feel fatigued. Initially I feel as if all of this is the result of my sleep troubles, but I also wonder the opposite, if my lack of sleep is a symptom and not a cause.

This is a quick entry and it isn’t about a particular episode but is related to the whole Void topic. Today while in session I was describing the differences between the Void and my Ideation. While fumbling through a vague description of the Void my therapist suggested (or posed it as a question) that the Void is my depression. Holy Crap – BINGO! I feel like I’ve been hiding behind this mysterious description and making the Void out to be something very ominous when in fact it is just a description of my depression or where I am while in a depressive state of mind. Actually it is still somewhat ominous to me when I am in the grips of the Void and identifying this doesn’t make it any less troubling. But at least I have reached a small milestone in admitting to myself that YES I do have depression and these depressive episodes.

So THANK YOU to my therapist, guide, mental mentor, or whatever name fits her. You have helped me reach places within me that I never recognized before.

I’ve written about this several times before but this is my attempt to bring it all together. Specifically, what is The Void. The following will be a work in progress and I will come back and add to this to organize these thoughts.

Along my journey to better understand myself and describe some of the things that I deal with personally I have mentioned these recurring episodes that occur for me. These have happened with me for over 30 years and for most of that time I simply ignored it or buried this. It wasn’t until recently during therapy that I gave this a name, The Void. Throughout this post I will simply refer to this as the Void but it covers all aspects of what occurs during what I can only describe as an episode occurring deep inside of me.

What is the Void. I call it the Void because the episode or feeling that comes over me lacks any light or appearance that I can easily describe. There are many feelings that I encounter and I will try my best to describe them. In the Void it is almost as if I am in vacuum and I feel like I am standing in a space that is void of light. There is no fear or phobic sensation so I would not compare it to something that I fear. In fact it is very familiar to me perhaps because it has happened so often. The Void is almost numbing and absent of many feelings.

Another way I can describe the Void is to chronicle it from beginning to end.

• The Void episode comes on somewhat suddenly and I have little to no warning. But I will also say that it is not a harsh break or snap inside of me. The familiar feeling comes upon me and sets in before I really have a chance to try to interrupt it. The sensation is a wave that washes over me, gentle but unstoppable.
• Once that old familiar feeling is upon me I feel like I am standing inside a maze of caves with no direction on how to exit. Similar feeling to a dream where you are being chased but cannot move. Yet there is no fear, it is not a nightmare or anxiety attack. The feelings have a sense of paralysis that freeze me from exiting the Void.
• In the midst of the void I lose motivation to do many things. It takes extra effort to complete tasks or want to accomplish anything. There is no urgency.
  There is an increased sense of despair, but not necessarily sadness nor doom.
  There is also an odd calmness that comes over me. A feeling that there is nothing to worry about.
• As time goes by I begin to think about how long this will last. Generally it lasts an hour but sometimes it will move away from me within a few minutes. Other times it will linger for a few days and I begin to question if it will suddenly stay with me forever.

As a side note, I also experience passive ideation or passive suicidal thoughts as discussed before. But this is not always associated with the Void. Many times my ideation will come during this Void episode, sometimes it will follow, other times I will not get those thoughts at all. Likewise, I can experience passive ideation without experiencing the Void. They are both independent of each other.

To be continued.

As a continuation to writing about The Void and passive ideation I want to attempt to capture what it all means. More specifically; what do these occurrences tell me, what is the underlying message, or what is my mind or soul trying to tell me?

It would be real easy if I could just type out exactly what message is behind much of this. But it’s not so simple. I often come up with silence. My ability to articulate this whether it be out loud or in my head escapes me. When I ask these questions of myself I typically answer that these events come from nothing, they just appear. But logic tells me that it cannot be nothing. Nothing is the absence of something. Therefore nothing cannot be the source because well, nothing is nothing. This just demonstrates to me that there has to be something or many things that cause these things to happen within me. There is a big difference between Nothing and simply not knowing.

So the real answer at this moment is not to say there is no message, but rather I just don’t know yet what my mind or environment is trying to tell me.

Similar to how I am trying to figure out what The Void is telling me, the same applies to the ideation of wanting to cease existing. What is it that these episodes are trying to tell me? It is one of the things that I have been chasing lately, one of the big WHY’S.

More specifically, why do I get these random thoughts of not wanting to exist? Why do I want to stop living at different times? As I talked about before these episodes or feelings come about without provocation and I can never seem to pinpoint a cause. But what is behind it and what might the underlying message be?

Today (Wednesday 6/2) the suicidal ideation came upon me and felt rather strong. Sometimes there are daily thoughts that pass within a minute, this was not one of those. Today was a heavy feeling of not wanting to do this anymore, the feeling that extinguishing the flame would be welcomed. As is normal (normal for me anyway) this was still passive ideation, not active. I did not stop to think about making any plans to accomplish an end. The feeling just crept into my thoughts and lingered for a half hour until the rest of my day’s distractions buried the thought. During this time I tried to reflect upon my environment and anything that might have been behind the onset of my ideation but I couldn’t find anything today. The only thing worth noting is that this ideation was not associated with The Void. And once it was gone it was gone and was not a precursor to any other feelings that would be considered out of the ordinary. Just business as usual afterward. I will say that this particular ideation episode was less of a fleeting moment and more of a gut punch that took the wind out of my sails for the moment.

One last thing I’ll note here today. Most of the time, meaning the other 99% of the time I don’t want to die. I don’t walk around with this constantly. I generally feel good and positive about life. It is that 1% where ideation like this sets in and has me thinking differently for the moment.