How do you explain something you can’t explain to yourself? This is the dilemma I have struggled with half my life.

I have this “thing” or condition that comes and goes. It is not a physical condition and there are no symptoms seen by others. It is not simply in my head, it consumes my whole body at times. I’ve talked about it before here, I’ve called it the Void that visits me. The Void is an episode that is empty, numbing, and drains me of energy. It is NOT the blues or the stereotypical EMO depression often depicted. I don’t control this, but I can suppress it so that nobody knows what is going on inside. I have become so adept at hiding this that nobody has ever said to me “are you alright” in the midst of an episode. Sometimes it passes quickly. Other times it lingers for a day or two.

The other day during session I happened to be at the tail end of this condition so I was finally able to show a small piece of this condition to someone. That was the first time I have ever let anyone see me in that state without keeping it hidden. It was terrifying to be that vulnerable yet a huge relief. I say it was a relief because it proved to me that it is not just something in my head or that I’ve imagined. I am still trying to figure it all out myself but it is very real to me. The experience made me a little more willing to not try and suppress this so much, and strangely wanting to let the Void come up in safe settings to see what I’m able to discover. Part of me doesn’t want to calm those feeling but rather flush them out into the open and face them head on.

The above is another incomplete attempt at fully describing what it feels like to have something that I haven’t been able to put into words. This is also why I have not brought it up to others including friends or family. If I can’t confidently describe it to myself, how the hell do I defend what I am feeling to anyone wanting to question what has been happening inside of me for so many years? Maybe someday I will figure this out. The search continues.