Like the title says, I just can’t make sense of what is going on right now.

Why am I like this. Why is it that I reach the point where I feel like I’ve finally got my shit together, then all of a sudden another day I’m looking for the exit door? Why doesn’t anyone else have this problem, what happened to me to make me like this.

I’m told that I’ve come so far putting in so much work on myself to find my joy. I just don’t see it. Any work in that area is nothing compared to the amount of work and effort I put into talking myself out of ending this existence. And I’ve been doing that work for nearly a lifetime. Oh the irony, spending a lifetime convincing myself not to end life, only to spend that lifetime doing the same thing over and over again.

I shouldn’t feel guilty for admitting that I just don’t want to do this anymore. I’m really tired and somewhat discouraged that I even have to put work into believing tomorrow is worth reaching. Side note: my therapist would ask me after that first sentence, “what is THIS?” LOL. THIS being life.

Interesting that I can find a way to inject a laugh into this subject. But it still doesn’t make this self struggle with myself any easier. I’m still putting in the work right now toward the intended result of saying NOT TODAY. But I’m still not confident that someday I won’t have anything left inside of me to convince myself to hold on.

Admittedly I write twice as much as I would ever admit to in person, and half as much as I really think deep down inside. Because it’s that deep down inside part that that would surely get me confined or at minimum looked upon like I was a bag of shattered glass. So these writings are about as close to the honest truth as anyone will get to see.