Today during session I was experiencing an episode of Ideation and without realizing it I lost focus on the conversation. I lost all train of thought and zoned out to the point I could not recall what was being said to me. Unlike other times I owned up to what was happening. I didn’t pretend or fake that I heard what was said.

I realized that during ideation I can become very distracted and lose focus. So much so that I lose the ability to be in the moment or be present in a conversation. I typically fight very hard to keep this buried and work on concentrating on whatever is going on around me. I realize that I have become very good at faking being present, to the point that nobody probably notices unless they are paying close attention. I don’t necessarily believe it is because I don’t want to hear something or that my interest is not being held. Rather I feel as if I lose the ability to hold that focus. Ideation has two effects on me that both drain my focus. One is the fight I put up to mask the ideation from being evident to anyone else. Second is Ideation’s distraction from everything else. Maybe both are the same, but all of this drains my energy needed to be present in the moment.

Here’s a thought. If Ideation has me thinking about giving up on life, and instead my drained energy results in me giving up on being present in the moment, are both outcomes not similar? Both involve ceasing to live, though ending life is permanent. Not being able to focus on life’s moments robs me of life. Therefore Ideation wins in taking something from me and others. I’m not saying I would give into the ideation based on this theory. It’s just interesting to me that Ideation succeeds at taking life away even if they are just moments.

One takeaway for me is that, Ideation is not just thoughts of ceasing to live. Ideation itself involves not living and losing moments of my life to this condition. I think it is worth exploring these thoughts more and not minimizing that Ideation is probably much more than how I’ve defined it.