Today started off very typical. Woke up at 6:30 and went about my morning tasks at home. I have been wearing a fitness monitor and I have noticed my sleep has been poor for the past 2 days, or at least slightly worse than normal. For me normal has been 4 to 5 hours of light sleep and 1 hour of deep sleep according to the tracker. For the past two days I only have 30 minutes of deep sleep each night and I can definitely feel it. I took some extra time this morning and had some toast and coffee with my wife rather than just heading out the door immediately for work. It was relaxing but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that was creeping up on me. My wife asked if I was okay to which I replied I was fine but tired from not sleeping well.

I left for work around 8:30 and by now I could already tell that a slight feeling of the Void was here with me. But it was very brief and today it was replaced by a strong feeling of Ideation. Its sort of uncommon to have this while driving since this is my peaceful time, but then again there really has not been any time where this has not occurred.

Thoughts, feelings and observations
Today’s ideation included a daydream (for lack of a better term) where I imagined what it would be like to be leave this life. It was very non specific because I ran through multiple scenarios. This included the idea of driving to a cliff and looking down at the ocean and imagining that being the end. Another included just sitting inside my parked truck and closing my eyes and not waking up. Nothing crossed my mind as to what would lead me to not waking up, it was an incomplete thought. None of these were a plan but rather scenarios. I will state this right now, I am not going to escalate any of this into an active plan for suicide. As far as how I felt, there is a numbness during these thoughts. I am neither hot nor cold, no feelings of excitement nor a low or sad feeling.

It has been an hour since my drive and those thoughts. Upon reaching my office I lit a candle and tried to meditate for a few minutes. I feel very distracted this morning. Despite having things I need to do I am having trouble building any motivation. As I write this I feel like I’m having a hard time. I feel oddly emotional or as if I am finding it difficult to even write. There is a heavy ache just behind my shoulder blades and my arms feel fatigued. Initially I feel as if all of this is the result of my sleep troubles, but I also wonder the opposite, if my lack of sleep is a symptom and not a cause.