Today was a good day. Let me rephrase that. Everyday is a good day, today just had a little extra somethin-somethin added on top. It wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine but I felt as if I accomplished much specifically during therapy.

This morning’s therapy session (and yes I showed up on the right day lol) something was different right from the start. I jumped right in and spoke about a previously discussed workbook and some topics on my mind. Shortly after this I noticed something was different with me. Ironically so did my therapist and she immediately brought this to my attention. Something was very different about my approach, how I did not pause for any small talk, and how I was articulating my thoughts with greater focus than usual.

Oddly I did not prepare any differently. I typically have something in mind to talk about, but I normally take some time (and prodding) to get around to anything. My therapist said she was seeing a shift in me today. I’ve heard that a couple times before as I make progress, but this time I could actually feel that shift. Something was different.

Unfortunately I celebrated the moment too quickly. Just like that I was back into a circular description and found myself rephrasing topics in different ways. I had reverted to jumbled thoughts and struggled to piece anything together. That feeling of being articulate and focused was gone as I kept talking trying to find my way back. I was absolutely digging myself in deeper and no matter which direction I steered in I began shutting down. I had practically given up on recovering from this detour. Thankfully my she picked up on this and reeled me back in. I’m glad she picks up these subtle tendencies.

My therapist called this to my attention and I admittedly confessed that I was indeed far off track from where I started. I had gone from an expressive person speaking from the heart to my analytical self churning out explanations and rigidly formed answers. She then proposed that maybe I was shielding again, putting up barriers to avoid talking in a more emotional frame of mind. I think she was right.

Just before I could launch into another jumbled explanation or expand upon this further, she leaned in and in a calm but concerned voice asked me, “Are you currently in ideation?” Holy crap, I most certainly WAS and had been. Yet I could barely even notice it. For a split second I wanted to answer No, but instead I quickly gave in. l told her that I had been [in ideation] for some time. I also fessed up that it doesn’t go away as much as I’ve said before.

All of this hit differently. The initial question if I were in ideation almost brought me to tears. Maybe I should have let it. Same with the follow up discussion, where a couple of times I felt my throat tighten. I noticed that I was now speaking in a more subdued manner. My focus was back even if it didn’t seem like I was as upbeat as before. I could also see in her face that I might need to add in some reassurance that I was not active vs passive in my ideation nor in any danger to myself. I can’t imagine having to sit across from me and wonder that, so that is another reason why I feel the need to make statements like “I’m safe, I’m not in any danger, I’m not going to act upon any thoughts of suicide. I just hope she believed I was being sincere with my statement and not just bullshitting my way out of the topic. I don’t take that subject or my safety lightly. I am always truthful when it comes to this subject when asked point blank.

I’m going to end this post here because I feel exhausted just trying to recapture how much happened in one session. I’m thankful that I could take a good day and make it better by covering so much ground. Even though she would say that getting to this point has all been the result of my hard work, I have to say that my therapist is a fricken rock star in patiently helping me work toward a better me. This has seriously been the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done.