I feel like I’m just hanging on – barely!
I don’t know why I’m going through this. I’m having this standing on the edge feeling that I can’t shake. I feel like I want to hide under a rock, and I want that rock to crush me. My skin is so cold.

There is a debate going on inside of me right now:
Power through this – No give up.
Tomorrow is another day – I don’t give a shit about tomorrow, I’d be fine if it never came.
Life is worth living – I’m not interested in finding out.
Think of all you have accomplished, how far you’ve come – How do I put an end to this right now.
I’ll never know what tomorrow will bring unless I live it – How do I put an end to this right now.
How do I put an end to this right now. That’s not even a question really. I can rattle off a dozen ways and I feel nothing saying them.

Is this crisis. I already know the answer to that. It hardly feels like crisis if I’ve become so accustomed to this feeling that I barely care about it anymore. The unbearable numbness. The ringing in my ears is absolutely deafening right now. I’m stuck, paralyzed, isolating so that I don’t have to act normal. I don’t even know what normal is. Desperately looking for a distraction. The only distraction is the fact that I just bit the inside of my cheek for the hundredth time. All I can think of are the thousand ways to make it all end right now. I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I feel like I’ve said all of this before. Probably because I have. I’ve made it through these a hundred times before, I always do. I don’t know why. I wish I could never go through this again. I already know the answer to how but I’m hanging on despite my doubts. I don’t want attention, or pity, or to be seen, I just want to disappear. I want to be erased and forgotten. Why do I bother writing any of this. It doesn’t do any good. Maybe this is my distraction.