This is less a thought and more of a journal entry. I can’t put my finger on it but something is not right. Things were going so good, I was working on an action plan. I still am. It is Thursday night. My focus has gone to shit. Tuesday I was so optimistic but it hasn’t changed the fact that I haven’t slept right for 2 weeks. I get so productive and start out with such motivation and then slowly decline into this daze. This morning I stood around for almost 3 hours and did nothing.

Tonight I went from accomplishing a few things that I wanted to and drifted into not wanting to do anything at all. I went from divide and conquer to overwhelmed by simplicity. I’m writing because it is the thing that keeps my feet on this side of the cliff (not literally). I’m in a mini crisis for the second time in 2 weeks and this is bullshit. I’m overwhelmed by nothingness.

I don’t want to reach out, I’m tired of reaching out it gets old. If it seems pathetic and smells of pity to me then I can only imagine how that begins to look to others. My grandmother once said “don’t waste a worry” which relates to how I am portioning out the times I reach out. I think I am trying to reserve those moments for when I really need them, sort of like holding back so that I avoid being the boy who cried wolf. I’m trying not to wear out my welcome with anyone whom I might really need to throw me a line when I get in too deep.

Some time has passed since writing the above and the writing it helped. I’m tempted to get blazed to help with some sleep that lasts more than an hour. Tomorrow is another day.