Recently I stumbled upon something that has silently been tearing down my well-being and it has been on my mind for a while. And when I say Silently, I mean that in the literal sense.

We have all heard the jokes about ending up in the doghouse or facing the wrath of an angry spouse. AKA: You done fucked up!  For me this comes in the form of The Silent Treatment from my wife. For years I played this off as the aforementioned doghouse joke. Something I had said, or did, or even didn’t do would result in her not speaking to me for a day or longer. Sometimes I honestly wouldn’t know the reason.

I would ultimately try things like attempting to talk to her, or ask for clarification on why she wasn’t talking to me or treating me like I didn’t exist. That never worked. If anything that only fed the rage I could see on her face and the treatment would continue. My response eventually evolved into stepping away and giving her space. This also became Me Time – time when I would spend quiet time to myself – like right now while I write this. Not engaging with her during this time is always my go-to because I feel anything else either stokes the fire or reinforces her belief that the silent treatment works.

The aftermath is predictable and always repeats the same pattern. After a day – or two or three – the silence is broken with sudden normalcy. I will walk into a room or return home and she will act as if nothing ever happened. There is no discussion.

The truth is, the silent treatment is more than someone remaining quiet until anger subsides. I have started to believe that this tactic is wielded like a weapon to gain the upper hand or inflict punishment. Withholding any discussion with the intent to demonstrate anger or displeasure declares her the winner of a battle, because there is no opportunity to discuss or debate any issue. The goal is all about control over the other person.

I often felt that each occurrence took away a little piece of the relationship but I’ve discovered that it also takes a little piece of me as well. Each time has left me a little more scarred and further detached from our relationship. The act belittles and demoralizes without ever saying a word. Being on the receiving end of this for so long has taken it’s toll. After a while feelings are replaced by numbness. The tactic creates self doubt and a loss of self worth. Many times I find fault in myself or would feel worthless.

All of these outcomes have slowly eroded my mental well-being, and that realization is what finally clicked with me. This ongoing silent punishment is emotional abuse plain and simple. Abuse is such a strong word. It is often used to described physical harm or mental harm against children and women. But I am finding out that emotional abuse can target anyone. Maybe that is what makes this so effective since men rarely consider themselves a victim. At least I don’t. But I am slowly accepting the fact that I have been emotionally beaten down leading me to some of the problems I struggle with.This isn’t something new. Not only have I been in prior relationships with similar encounters, but my mother also used the silent treatment on my brothers and myself. Ugh, mommy issues?

And now this new realization brings new emotional issues. I am feeling angry at myself for allowing this to fester. I feel robbed of parts of my self and chunks of my life. I also have this feeling that I’ve let it go for so long that I can’t fix the problem or change the direction. I feel trapped. Just when I thought my admission of depression made me feel vulnerable, along comes this!

Tomorrow the silence will end as quickly as it began. And once again I will feel glad that life has returned to the previous normal. But I will also have lost something of myself, just as I have lost something a hundred times before. It makes me wonder how much more something I have left to lose.