Last night was the hardest night I’ve ever had. I finally got the courage to speak to Vange about what I’ve been going through. As much as I tried to prepare myself I don’t think that was possible. Without getting into a play by play of events, the reactions and ongoing aftermath involved anger, disbelief, accusations of betrayal, heartbreak, fear, blame, sorrow, more anger, disappointment, crying, and questioning. Admittedly it was a fucken lot to put on her all at once. As delicate as I tried to be, my confession was brutal on her but I could not figure out any other way.

Then there was my own reaction, UGH.  I went through a range that I really did not expect from myself. After she stepped away to gather her thoughts following the initial conversation, I eventually went outside and sat under the stars to breathe. For the first time I began to cry. Around the time that she came looking for me I had a complete meltdown and she guided me back into the house because I was sobbing so uncontrollably. Back inside we sat in the dark living room and tried to continue talking. Once again I broke down in a way that I have never in my life. A lifetime of sadness, guilt, shame, exhaustion, and anguish poured out of me like a broken dam. We eventually went to bed not knowing quite what to say anymore.

This morning I fully expected silence or anger or… I don’t know what else. Instead Vange hugged me so hard and cried that she felt horrible if the previous night she had treated my confession poorly. I was shocked. She also told me how scared she is right now, and she doesn’t know what to do. She is worried about me that something bad will happen and I had to reassure her that I will still be home like always and that I am there to work through this. Tonight could swing a completely different direction but that is where everything stands right now.

This confession of my condition was difficult and devastating for both of us. So too was the revelation that I had sought treatment and never shared this with her. I have this tremendous guilt over putting her through this as well as keeping all of this from her. But I’ve opened this door now and there is no going back. I need to work through this together with Vange and also continue my own self care to get better.