Today I made a slight attempt at describing different feelings that come up while in the midst of a void episode. The overall feeling is struggle. That is probably the best descriptor. I ended today’s session by saying that I am struggling, and I am certainly in that struggle right now. As I drove back toward my office I felt my eyes become heavy with tears along with the feeling of ________.  Blank, nothingness, and a certain amount of despair for not feeling something more. I feel frustrated because I cannot find the words to describe how I feel, but a big part of this is not feeling anything at all.

On top of this lingering mild void there is this ideation that is strong this morning. I just want to disappear from this life. I’m so very tired of trying to cope or distract my way around or away from these thoughts. I’m really struggling right now but I am not in danger. I have a strong self awareness of what it would mean to escalate those thoughts or feelings into a plan, and that keeps me above that. But fuck if this all doesn’t feel so shitty right now. I have a million reasons to be grateful and so many reasons to live. But right now I just don’t care. I’m annoyed at myself for even saying that I don’t care. Such a conflict I feel right now.

I hate this void feeling even if it has been mild, and I hate when the suicidal ideation comes. I especially hate when these happen together or within the same timeframe. Another point of annoyance for me is how comfortable and unaffected I act toward either of these episodes. As much as I hate both I also take it in stride and I can be a little dismissive of them.

I am trying to be an optimist. I know that my process has been two steps forward and one step back along this journey. In this moment all of the above feels like a step back and I can only hope that another two steps forward will follow at some point. In this moment I only see the slight void and ideation that has sucked all of my focus and energy.

One thing that comes up for me is these opposing thoughts or feelings. What I feel is loneliness and that nobody would care or understand me, but what i know is that I am not alone and there are plenty of people who care about me even if they don’t understand. Case in point, as I typed the last letter of that sentence I received a message wishing me well today on my session. The universe seems to always answer when I struggle. It is the thought of what happens when the universe doesn’t answer someday that makes me wonder. But I can’t dwell on that sort of negativity.

I stepped away for a few minutes and did some breathing and meditation. I’m still stuck when it comes to what to say or write. I can definitely restate that I am struggling to hold it together. Again I am not saying that I am a danger to myself but I am struggling to pull myself up and out of this. But rather than sit here and just thinking how I want everything to end so I stop feeling like this, I need to get up and get out for a while. I will take a drive for a while and take myself out of this emptiness. Because right now this is just a hole that accomplishes nothing by staying inside of it.

To be continued.