I’ve written about this several times before but this is my attempt to bring it all together. Specifically, what is The Void. The following will be a work in progress and I will come back and add to this to organize these thoughts.

Along my journey to better understand myself and describe some of the things that I deal with personally I have mentioned these recurring episodes that occur for me. These have happened with me for over 30 years and for most of that time I simply ignored it or buried this. It wasn’t until recently during therapy that I gave this a name, The Void. Throughout this post I will simply refer to this as the Void but it covers all aspects of what occurs during what I can only describe as an episode occurring deep inside of me.

What is the Void. I call it the Void because the episode or feeling that comes over me lacks any light or appearance that I can easily describe. There are many feelings that I encounter and I will try my best to describe them. In the Void it is almost as if I am in vacuum and I feel like I am standing in a space that is void of light. There is no fear or phobic sensation so I would not compare it to something that I fear. In fact it is very familiar to me perhaps because it has happened so often. The Void is almost numbing and absent of many feelings.

Another way I can describe the Void is to chronicle it from beginning to end.

• The Void episode comes on somewhat suddenly and I have little to no warning. But I will also say that it is not a harsh break or snap inside of me. The familiar feeling comes upon me and sets in before I really have a chance to try to interrupt it. The sensation is a wave that washes over me, gentle but unstoppable.
• Once that old familiar feeling is upon me I feel like I am standing inside a maze of caves with no direction on how to exit. Similar feeling to a dream where you are being chased but cannot move. Yet there is no fear, it is not a nightmare or anxiety attack. The feelings have a sense of paralysis that freeze me from exiting the Void.
• In the midst of the void I lose motivation to do many things. It takes extra effort to complete tasks or want to accomplish anything. There is no urgency.
  There is an increased sense of despair, but not necessarily sadness nor doom.
  There is also an odd calmness that comes over me. A feeling that there is nothing to worry about.
• As time goes by I begin to think about how long this will last. Generally it lasts an hour but sometimes it will move away from me within a few minutes. Other times it will linger for a few days and I begin to question if it will suddenly stay with me forever.

As a side note, I also experience passive ideation or passive suicidal thoughts as discussed before. But this is not always associated with the Void. Many times my ideation will come during this Void episode, sometimes it will follow, other times I will not get those thoughts at all. Likewise, I can experience passive ideation without experiencing the Void. They are both independent of each other.

To be continued.