The following is a play-by-play account of a crisis I was in. Its not pretty but I voice to text recorded my thoughts while it was going on so I could learn from it.

Welp here I am and this shit has come to visit me and since nothing else felt right I thought I’d write about it to see what it looks like later when I can review it in a different mindset. It’s 12:45 Thursday afternoon.

Don’t know how to put it in words but right now the old familiar — dark / dread / lost / unforgiving / bullshit / everything is pointless / pull the plug / drop the curtain — or whatever it is came and sat on top of me. Fuck! I’m out running some errands to mix up my day, came out of the bank and as I sit in my truck I don’t want to move. I sit here for a good 15 minutes just feeling stuck. Tap Tap Tap Tap, nope that’s not doing anything right now. Put on the music. Maybe add the Tap Tap Tap Tap to a drum beat. Blah I don’t think that’s the point because now I’m drumming and crumbling at the same time. I feel like crying I’m so fucken frustrated for no reason but crying doesn’t come to me right now. This heaviness just sits on top of me, it tightens my chest, it presses down my shoulders, it makes my hands shake. Close my eyes, deep breaths, picture a peaceful drive, repeat. Picture the waves of the ocean, repeat, repeat. I feel a little calm and make up my mind, fuck this shit I’m not letting it drag me down in the middle of this parking lot. I don’t have time for this shit so driving back to the office because there I can collect myself rather than in a hot truck at the bank.

1:50 pm
Well that was a lovely fricken hot mess lol. I noted this on my phone and transferred it here without edits just to capture it. It’s been about 45 minutes. I’m okay. Hell I’m always okay so what’s the point in worrying about it, right? Yeah I know that’s not true, I should worry about it. After all I wrote it down so it is significant enough to take notes of it.

“I’m not crazy”
“I know I’m not crazy”
WTF! Of all things, those few words bring tears to my eyes? Seriously?!
I just can’t with my self right now
Breathe

This is a mess. I’m retreating to try a guided meditation to sooth my soul. I don’t care what any of this looks like. I’ll visit this later

Update: I had to post this picture tonight because laughter is my cure-all