I am fresh out of today’s session and so much fills my mind. Today I talked about what I experience while in the void which is where I have been. That is unusual for me because the void makes me want to do the opposite; not talk, not open up, avoid letting on to anyone what is really going on. The other topic was my ideation and I found myself steering toward that often during the session. Similar to the Void, I do not bring up Ideation or write about it until after it has passed. Today was different.

I am in ideation right now. I have been since yesterday. The thoughts of death, the thoughts of not wanting to exist, the idea of giving up, it is very strong. Compared to the void which has been weak for many days. Describing the ideation is only similar to the Void in that I have difficulty describing it. It is not loud, not crystal clear, but rather a nagging voice that has no sound or words. It is a feeling to give in, give up, ignore reasoning and all common sense. Ideation tells me that everything else in my life is meaningless. It feels like nothing matters. I have this voice of reason for lack of a better term that fights against the ideation feelings. The fight in me tells me my value, it speaks to me on a level of encouragement and assures me that I matter. I know that life is good and worth living.

Why? I feel as though my ideation is not based in any sort of common sense. It is not driven by any feelings of doom or gloom. So what is it then? Why do I feel this and what does it tell me. I’m going to sit with this for a few moments and come back with what I might find – BRB

I’m back now. I sat with my feelings for a bit. Now that I write again I realize that the void did not subside like I originally thought toward the end of my session. I think it just pushed down inside of me or became too faint to notice, but it’s still here. But that is not what I sat with for the past hour. The deeper dive I’ve taken I’ve tried to listen to what message the ideation is telling me, if there is any message, without being critical.

I just noticed something that never stood out to me before. Aside from the fact that my ideation comes in different intensities, I think there are two different types of ideation that I experience. The first and more common is surrounded by questions. Why do I need to exist, why does anything matter, how come I want to die in that moment, what is the point of anything. The second type for me are statements instead of questions; I don’t need to exist anymore, I wish the lights would go out, and I don’t want to do this (live) anymore. The difference involves a milder questioning as opposed to having bolder feelings.

The questioning type of ideation is easily diffused because the answers are clear. I know my value and trust my need to remain a part of the universe. The heavier type that states these feelings as if they were fact is much more exhausting because it is a debate that requires a rebuttal. It is far more frustrating because despite knowing that none of the reasoning behind wanting to cease my existence makes any logical sense I am still left either dismissing it or fighting this off. Yesterday began with a form of questioning and the easy answers made this go away, or at least lessened the feelings.

This morning it came right back but this time in that bolder more relentless type of ideation. And that is where I’ve been all day. Throughout my session, while sitting here in my office writing this, and while I took time to sit here with myself. I keep asking myself this afternoon, what does any of this tell me? What is the message? Not just Why, but also How come? I sit in stillness and just listen. I am attempting to not react or provide a rebuttal but instead sit in silence and see what comes to me.

More time has passed now. The sound of a summer rainstorm sounds so nice. I am still lacking for any message from this episode of ideation. I know I often speak in metaphors but right now I want so badly to give up the fight. I spoke of a door that has nothing behind it but darkness. I want to reach for that door and step out into the nothingness. The end wouldn’t seem so bad right now. Then that hard summer rain reminds me that none of those cleansing senses of rain will exist on the other side of that door. It prevents me from escalating and it keeps me here, yet the thought of or saying I want to die remains. There’s just not the urge to act upon that thought. In this moment I feel slightly angry with myself. I also feel tired, frustrated, and disappointed. How will anyone ever understand me if I can’t make sense of this myself? As much as I’ve tried to open up about all of this I find myself recoiling and hiding. I find it so strange that I can find so much good and positivity around me yet still say that I want to die. The contradiction baffles me.