(Notes for Wednesday)
I admittedly don’t trust and that applies toward about everyone in general. Also I’ve never trusted healthcare or therapy or the systems around how mental health is handled.

I came into therapy apprehensive. It’s taken a long time to reach a level of complete trust in my sessions. I feel as though as recent as a month ago I’ve broken through and feel more secure with my therapist. My distrust filter has begun to disappear. Or at least when it comes to the what I feel I can talk about during sessions. I still don’t trust others outside of therapy.

That being said I feel I need to come clean about some things if I am to exercise this trust. There are many reasons, but I’ve been bullshitting my way around aspects of my condition.

So here is the truth. The boat incident was not the only nor last major suicidal episode. There have been many step-to-the-ledge type incidents, including a few times I botched or failed to carry out an intention to die. All of which have occurred without anyone knowing. I’ve never mentioned the boat episode outside of therapy, and nobody knows about any other occurrence. 99% has been this ongoing Passive Ideation that I’ve talked about, but there is this 1% that I’ve kept hidden. A few such incidents happened after I had already started therapy; two in 2020 and one at the beginning of this year.