I’ve been told that I am really good at keeping a secret or how strong my poker face can be. I don’t think that makes me a liar (I hope not) but rather spotlights my ability to keep things from others. Unfortunately I can be so convincing that I even fool myself sometimes.

For the past year + I’ve been seriously working on myself and my wellness. It has not been easy. By the time December rolled around I had made some huge strides and my outlook has taken some dramatic shifts in the process. The incidents I’ve called The Void have seemingly ceased or at least given me some reprieve for the time being. I told my therapist the other day that the frequency of my ideation had diminished but that it was something I’d continue working on.

My ability to paint a different picture can make it difficult to tell the difference between fact and fiction. Everything I wrote above was true except the last part was a half truth. It is true that the number of ideation events have diminished but that skirts the reality of it. Despite all of my efforts toward wellness my suicidal thoughts have moments of intensity that are hard to write about let alone talk about. The main reason I’m writing all of this is because I’m currently in the midst of coping with a rough episode of ideation today. Writing these things down seems to help.

Toward the end of my last session I told my therapist Thank You. Then I became a little emotional and I was asked what was coming up for me. I told her that I was thankful and just happy to have reached this point. Here again was another half truth, or at least I just failed to expand upon everything that I was feeling. The truth would have been to say that I was not only thankful that I’ve reach this point, but also that I believe she has saved my life. I don’t know if she is aware of just how true that last part has been. That’s also a bit much to place on someone which might be why I avoided it. But I honestly don’t think I would be here writing this today had it not been for the sessions I’ve had with her. I was literally on pace to make this my last year.

As we wrapped up for the day she asked if I wanted to book more sessions going forward to which I replied YES. Behind that Yes was the feeling that I have more work to do. The idea that next year could easily become my last if I don’t keep working on whatever it is that has me wanting to end my life is difficult to admit. I should have been able to say “I really need the next session” even if that sounds needy.

Writing this got me past a bad episode today. I wish I could just cry about it but this is so common for me that it almost seems like just another day. It fucken sucks because I don’t want any of this to be my normal. My hope for the new year is to find a different normal or at least a better something else. I end this by saying I’m safe right now, but what I wouldn’t give to never have to say that ever again.