Similar to how I am trying to figure out what The Void is telling me, the same applies to the ideation of wanting to cease existing. What is it that these episodes are trying to tell me? It is one of the things that I have been chasing lately, one of the big WHY’S.

More specifically, why do I get these random thoughts of not wanting to exist? Why do I want to stop living at different times? As I talked about before these episodes or feelings come about without provocation and I can never seem to pinpoint a cause. But what is behind it and what might the underlying message be?

Today (Wednesday 6/2) the suicidal ideation came upon me and felt rather strong. Sometimes there are daily thoughts that pass within a minute, this was not one of those. Today was a heavy feeling of not wanting to do this anymore, the feeling that extinguishing the flame would be welcomed. As is normal (normal for me anyway) this was still passive ideation, not active. I did not stop to think about making any plans to accomplish an end. The feeling just crept into my thoughts and lingered for a half hour until the rest of my day’s distractions buried the thought. During this time I tried to reflect upon my environment and anything that might have been behind the onset of my ideation but I couldn’t find anything today. The only thing worth noting is that this ideation was not associated with The Void. And once it was gone it was gone and was not a precursor to any other feelings that would be considered out of the ordinary. Just business as usual afterward. I will say that this particular ideation episode was less of a fleeting moment and more of a gut punch that took the wind out of my sails for the moment.

One last thing I’ll note here today. Most of the time, meaning the other 99% of the time I don’t want to die. I don’t walk around with this constantly. I generally feel good and positive about life. It is that 1% where ideation like this sets in and has me thinking differently for the moment.