I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time. I’ve jotted down notes a thousand times but it has never made it into more than a few sentences. This is my attempt at capturing what it feels like to have passive thoughts of suicide. I may edit this over time.
Disclaimer: Even though this site is for me personally I feel I should say this in case anyone stumbles upon it. If you or someone you know is actively suicidal please seek help or assistance. Contact a suicide prevention line, medical help, or someone who can get you immediate help. At the very least talk to someone.
Passive Ideation, that seems to be the universal term for this but it is no where near that easy to define. Placing these thoughts into two different buckets does not take into account any possible variations or conditions that might overlap. My understanding of Passive Ideation means the person does not having a plan, while Active Ideation assumes there is a plan to act upon. I would argue that I could be in a state of Passive Ideation with strong thoughts of how I would accomplish or end my life, yet still have a stronger sense of no intent to carry that out. Intention is not always intent. This is a difficult concept to explain. I can internally have a desire to no longer exist but I stop short of taking steps to actually make plans on how I would bring about my end.
Depending upon the severity of the moment I can have an overwhelming desire to want things to cease and wish that the lights would suddenly go out, yet I don’t reach for the light switch. I have read much on the subject where some experts stress that there becomes a risk where passive thoughts can escalate into active plans. I am not certain how true this is for me since I have lived with this for more than half my life. I certainly don’t want to stress test that theory because there is no returning from those consequences.
Passive Ideation is like an annoying mosquito that when it finds you it will not stop buzzing your ear. Even when you swat it away you are left feeling that it could be flying around waiting to fly back into your ear when you let your guard down. This would describe the milder side of passive suicidal thoughts. The flip side is far more consuming than just swatting away an annoying bug. At the extreme end the passive thought becomes far more debilitating. It consumes the majority of thought and makes me question my ability to go on. Compared to the bothersome insect, this is the crushing weight of an elephant who sits on top of me and is in no hurry to move.
When I am in the grip of this episode at it’s worst it is not necessarily a panic moment or feeling of anxiety. Often there is very little fear. Instead it is a slow tight grip that leaves me frozen in the moment unable to move. It is a paralysis that removes any ability to change direction. The ideation itself sometimes comes to me under something that feels much larger. For lack of a better term I’ve been calling this “The Void” because it is filled with nothingness. The Void is both a place and a feeling in my mind. While in the grips of this void is often when the ideation is felt, but not always. Luckily I don’t get to this point of both The Void + Ideation on a daily basis, that would definitely suck. It is important to note that The Void and Ideation can occur with me together or independent of each other. They are two separate events that sometimes happen together or sequential. The Void is less frequent, the Ideation or suicidal thoughts happen often.
The milder version of Passive Ideation for me is a fleeting thought. It can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes. These milder thoughts happen often but randomly, sometimes daily and other times it will not reappear for a week. In basic terms it is just a thought or feeling that comes into my head that makes me wish everything would just end. The best analogy I can think of would be, standing on a street corner and suddenly thinking “if those cars suddenly jumped the sidewalk and struck me maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” In that scenario I’m not stepping off the curb, I simply have this thought that having everything suddenly end is not something I fear. It is not doom and gloom which some may think, that is what makes this that much harder to explain. I can seem fairly happy and suddenly the old familiar feeling comes over me.
Here is another fact that makes all of this difficult to explain. My Passive Ideation is not a voice or a descriptive message in my mind, it seems more like a feeling. It does not feel like I have two opposing sides fighting over whether I should give up or go on. I do however mentally speak to myself as a way of talking myself down. I suppose that is just my voice of reason kicking in.
To be continued. UPDATE: I’ve begun writing more specifically on this subject under the category: Visiting the Void